Friday, July 31, 2009

This just in....

So am in taxi on my way back home when guess who Robin calls me. Am a bit surprised cos it's like twelve o' clock at night. So am thinking to myself "what the hell does she want". Next thing I know, she starts talking to me about how she's always had feelings for me and how she wants to do me right now on her couch. So am thinking to myself this is an opportunity to sleep to Robin again but on the other hand am thinking about the "no sex with your bro's ex" rule in the bro code. Am also thinking about how this will affect my friendship with my best friend ted. I mean the first time I had sex with Robin Ted and I got into this really huge fight about friendship and blah blah blah. It got so bad I felt like we were some old married couple or something. So anyways I decide to go over to her place to at least talk to her or something. Well when I get there she appears to be half drunk but she still looks hot as hell. She says with a seductive and inviting voice "come on in". So I walk in to her apartment and man was it a mess. She had clothes all over the place. She offers me a drink and so I take a glass of what seemed to taste like very cheap red wine. So she starts telling me about how she hasn't had sex in two months. Then all of sudden she starts crying. I try to comfort her and all of sudden she kisses me. I start taking her clothes off but all of a sudden an alarm goes off. It's coming from the clock on my bedside. I wake up. It was only a dream. I am thinking to myself what the hell does this dream mean. Well let me make this clear anyway. I am not I repeat am not in anyway in love with Robin or any woman for that matter. I am the Barnicle. The King of one night stands, the ruler of Bachelor country, the founder of not a father's day. I can never be in love. So I like being around Robin I like the way she smells, I always want to be around her and I miss her when she's gone. It dosen't mean am in love with her. Believe me when I say the Barnicle is made to be single. And to prove it to you I am going to McClarens tonight to have sex with the first bimbo I see......just after am done watching the news on metro news 1.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

How Canadian are you.....

I believe that among the top five worst things that could happen to someone, being canadian tops the list. The other four things would be being in a relationship, getting married, having kids and catching the yips. I have designed a quiz that will determine how canadian you really are. Unfortunately for some of you who may test positive of canadianess, medical science is yet to create a cure for being canadian.

quiz # 1
What is your favorite sport?
A. Ice Hockey
B. American Football
C. Basketball

What is your favorite tree?
A. A maple leaf tree.
B. An orange tree.
C. Am too awesome to have a favorite tree.

Which of the following people would you rather have sex with?
A. Robin
B. Heidi Klum
C. Paris Hilton

If all your answers were A, then am afraid you a bit too much canadian. I advice to move to the states (if you don't live here) and have sex with as many American bimbos you can find. And remember never ever ever ever call them again.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Fan Mail

This week a few of my awesome blog readers sent a few letters to my fan mail inbox. Being the busy man that I am, I could have a chance to read a few of them.

fan mail #1
Hey Barney, how's it going. Am a twenty five year guy from New Jersey. The problem is my boss wouldn't ever stop yelling at me. I don't know what to do. Do I yell back at him or quit my job? Any advice.
from Andy

Dear Andy,
I think your first problem is obvious. WHAT A HELL ARE YOU DOING IN NEW JERSEY? Andy Andy Andy...come to New York. It's the city that never sleeps. As for your work problem, my advice is that you never ever ever ever yell at your boss. If you are familiar with the chain of screaming.. I mean the cycle of screaming you would realize that screaming at your boss is never a good idea. Just give it some time and you would get used to all the screaming.

fan mail # 2
Dear Barnicle, am a twenty seven year old guy from New york. Me and my wife just got divorced. I just can't stop thinking about her. Do you have any advice to help me get over her.
from John
Dear john
The solution to your problem is simple. Go to the nearest bar, bang the first hot girl you see and never call her again. Problem solved.
from Barney

fan mail # 3
Dear Barney, am a twenty two year old guy from L.A. I think I might be suffering from the Yips. I just found out that the woman I lost my virginity to had pretended because my cousion paid her. The problem is she died about a year ago so it's too late for me to try to rock her world for real. Do you have any advice for me
from Fred

Dear Fred
That's a tough one Fred. I think you should find out if she has any cousins, or sisters. I suggest
you bang as many of her sisters as you can find. Good Luck.
from Barney

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Woo girls

Every now and then I walk into a bar and look at a table filled with attractive good-looking women who woo. It fills me with joy to always know that somewhere out there is a really hot desperate woman. A fan recently sent me this mail asking what woo girls are. Well being the awesome person that I am, I've taken time out of my schedule of being awesome to explain what a woo girl really is. But the first question really is...what is a woo? A woo is characteristic sound made a young female usually between her mid to late twenties. Most woos are made over little things like when the pizza gets delivered or other things like when a model takes his shirt off. What is very common among woo girls is their desperation. Studies have shown that over 80% of woo girls are bimbos. These studies have also shown that one out of every three woo girls will sleep with you on the first date... true story. Woo girls are a gift of life itself. Most girls only become woo girls after going through certain situations like a bad break up, or when they've just lost their job or when they find out their canadian. Apart from your regular woo girls there are also the Grade B woo girls. These are not actual woo girls. These girls only woo once in a while. A good example may be Robin. Most people may wonder what to do when faced with a woo girl. But before I answer that question I think it would be important to know the history surrounding the species that is the woo girl.
It was a hot summer afternoon. The year was 1875, Professor. Barnicle Supremo was going for an expedition in a small town not far from what we now call New york City. As he strolled down, he was shocked to hear a strange but somewhat erotic sound now referred to as a woo. He searched his surroundings and when he finally found the source of this sound he was dumbfounded to realize that the sound was being made by a young and beautiful woman. Professor. Barnicle introduced himself to this woman. Her name was Garcia Lopez. And do you know what Prof. Barnicle did? He slept with her and never called her again. This coincidentally was the same day the "one night stand" was invented. Two years later Professor. Barnicle was awarded a nobel prize for his article on the woo girls. So you see my dear awesome blog readers, when faced with a woo girl just sleep with her and never call her again.....true story.

I Have A Dream....

My dear fellow Americans, It is with great awesomeness that I write this letter. Many years ago the great Martin Luther King wrote a letter quite similar to mine but a lot less awesome. But I write today to tell you ladies and gentlemen that I, the Barnicle, have a dream today. I have a dream that one day from the city that is new york and the wonderful place that is Atlantic City will have bimbos will wear thongs all day long. I have dream today. I have a dream that one day the mistake that is canada will simply....seize to exist. I have a dream today. I have a dream that all the great children of the land that is America, our children that the future and hope of this country will realize how silly and stupid marriage really easy and abolish it for all eternity. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day the institution that is our congress will realize the tremendous importance of the bro code and make it a part of the constitution. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day condoms will be made better thereby giving 100% protection. I have a dream today. But my dear fellow Americans it is only a dream. For this dream to become a reality we must rise up in this harsh times that is our economy. And in the words of the great man Barrack Obama...Yes we can.

How Hot Are You?

Being the awesome blogger that I am I have designed this Hotness quiz to help my awesome readers find out how hot they really are. This four questions have been carefully designed to help less awesome people ( offense) determine how attractive or unattractive they really are.

Question Number 1
1. When you walk into a room full of chicks what do you do?
A. Sit alone with your lame wife
B. Hit on the hottest girl in the bar
C. Stay alone and wait for someone to hit on you

2. You're in a room alone with Scarlett johanssen..what do you do?
A. You joggle
B. You perform a really cool magic trick.
C. You ask for her autograph

3. You just had sex with a hot blonde chick?
A. You ask her out again.
B. You sneak out and never call her again.
C. You ask her to marry you.

4. You're really sad..what do you do?
A. You cry about it.
B. You stop being sad and be awesome instead.
C. You just keep being sad.

If your answers were all B then you are smoking hot. If not then you're not hot. I suggest you get a suit and sleep with some bimbos. That always helps....true story.
Free Advertising

Monday, July 27, 2009

I am not SWARLEY...

A few years ago, this girl with the crazy eyes served me a cup of coffee and addressed it to swarley. Well ted and marshall thought it would be funny...I didn't. It was and is a stupid respectful name. It was absolutely humiliating. I kept receiving this stupid phone calls down at McClarens. Robin even got registered for a magazine under the name...Swarlous. It was so hard getting over that name. Then yesterday I received this message in my fan mail addressed to Swarley. So I have taken time out to point it out to everyone out there. I AM NOT SWARLEY. In fact there is no swarley. I am Barney Stinson. An awesome respectable member of society. Swarley is a stupid name. In fact it's not a name. It's a stupid not a name. The next person who refers to me as swarley is hereby banned from reading my blog. So from now on no more more more more swarlicious. By the power invested in me by bimbos, I hereby proclaim the death of swarley. All that is left is the awesome and Legendary BARNEY STINSON.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

The Crazy Eyes

Today, I am going to be talking about a phenomenon commonly referred to as crazy eyes. You all remember my good friend Marshall don't you. Well a couple of years ago when he broke up with Lily he met this cute girl...hmmm....I don't remember her name. Anyways the this girl was smoking hot and way out of Marshall's league. Well the only problem was this girl had the crazy eyes. Her eyes were sooo crazy. But Marshall couldn't see it because he was suffering from " Haven't been laid in a while syndrome". I and Ted taunted him day and night to leave her but he never listened. Anyway eventually he realized how crazy she was and left her. My point is no matter hot a woman may seem at first, look into her eyes and see if their crazy. I once that this french chick that had a rack the size of Marshall's head. The only problem was that she had the crazy eyes. So one minute she was taking her clothes off the next minute she was yelling at me. Another minute she was giving me a blow job the next minute she was crying her eyes out. So I had no choice but to do the only possible thing when faced with the crazy eyes..I slept with her and never called her again. Which reminds awesome.(hmmm... I wonder if I can still find her number)

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Happy Not A Father's Day

This past weekend, Lily and Marshall celebrated their anniversary. The whole ceremony got me thinking about how completely awesome I am. I started thinking to myself that Marshall will have to spend the rest of his life with the same woman and would have to have.....wait for Then I started to think about how lucky I was to be single to never have to have kids. Why would anyone in their right mind want to have kids. Marriage is for stupid and not so awesome people. You all remember what today was one year ago. It was the first ever not a father's day. Not a father's day is the celebration of freedom and the single life. It is definitely one of my personal favorite holidays of the year second only to Saint Patty's day. So my advise to you today is kids are cool for picking up chicks...but that's all. They are not cute cuddly or adorable as the world might make them seem. If you wanna be happy, don't have kids, stay single. As for all of you single guys out there...happy not a father's day.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Cheerleader Effect

Many have asked me time and time again what the cheerleader effect is exactly. Being the awesome blogger that I am, I have decided to fully explain the meaning of the cheerleader Effect. You see the cheerleader Effect is a situation in which not so hot or awesome people who do not appear hot as individuals seem hot when in a group. This is very common among cheerleaders. Hence the name; cheerleader effect. The origins of the cheerleader can be dated back many years ago when the great Barnibus Stinson( my great grand father) discovered the Bro code. Since then the cheerleader effect has evolved in different shapes and sizes. Among some very poplar examples of the cheerleader effect are; the Brazilian soccer team of the 1990's, the cheerleding team of oklahama state football team, the spice girls, and believe it or not....the pussycat dolls. It was only in the late 1990's that some very few cases of the cheerleader effect in men were observed. Some common examples are the England football team and President Clinton's Cabinet. I myself have been victim to the cheerleader effect quite a number of times so my advise is, the next time you see a bunch of hot looking women at a bar, take a good look at them one by one.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Don`t Get Married

If there`s one thing you ever going to learn from my blog one of the most important us never ever ever ever get MARRIED. Marriages are the exact opposite of awesomeness. The only thing worse than being married is being canadian...wait...i take that back. Nothing is worse than being canadian. Anyways you see the thing people don`t understand is that marriages does not give you free sex. If you want free sex just put on a suit and go to a bar. Believe when I say Love does not conquer all. Love conquers nothing. To me Marriage is simply this stupid thing that people do as an excuse to get divorced and give away half their stuff a few years later. When you`re married you literally stop having sex. Take my not so awesome friend Marshall. Now Marshall is married to a little red head thing name called Lily. Do you know what Marshall spends his Friday Nights doing....not having sex or at the very best having sex with the very same sily old red head. And do you know what I do on friday Nights, I am busy sleeping with hot bimbos. What can I say..Bimbos make me happy. Their hot, stupid As far as am concerned the only good reason to get married is if you`re canadian and you need an American Greencard. So my point is simple...don`t get Married!

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Bro Code

A fan of mine recently sent me a letter asking me to explain the bro code. So I have taken time out by busy schedule of awesomeness to explain a few of the rules in the bro code.

1. No sex with your bro's ex. (I know I broke this one but in my defense Robin's that dosen't really count.

No sex with with your bro's mother. Unless she intiates it and/or wears a leopard birthday suit.

3. No eye contact in a devil's three-way(a tricycle with two dudes)

4. A bro is not required to remember another bro's birthday. Though a phone call every now and then wouldn't kill him

5. Even in a drought, a bro flushes twice.

6. A bro is required to go out with his bro on Saint Patrick's and other official bro holidays including haloween, new year's day and desperation day.( February 13th)

7. A bro never reveals the score a sports event unless that bro has thrice confirmed he wants to hear it.

8. A bro is required at all times to say yes.

9. A bro is required to alert another bro in time of a girl fight.

10. A bro must always post bail for another bro unless it's out of state or crazy expensive.

This are only a few of the rules in the bro. More of them will be posted on my awesome blog in the future.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

How Old Am I?

This past weekend, me and best friend/wing man Ted Mosby went to this college party downtown. Ted being his lame and not so awesome self started yapping to me about how I couldn't have sex with an underage because of this statutory rape thingy. Then the question hit me..How Old am I? And I don't mean how old it says on my birth certificate cos that dosen't really matter. Take David Beckham for example, his birth certificate probably says he over thirty right? But he could pass for a twenty five year old. And then there's the seventeen year old singer sean kingston but I personally think he looks thirty. Any ways so in the party am just looking around and then I see a cute little asian chick. Then I walk up to her and ignite...wait for it..."the am a new exchange student whose lost but secretly wants to get in your pants plan". Also conveniently known as the Dexter effect. You see the thing about the DEXTER effect is that only some one as smart and cunning as I.. Barney Stinson..can pull off such a great plan. So we start talking, I buy her a drink and then I tell her am twenty seven. All off of sudden she starts laughing uncontrollably like she doesn't believe me. And then am like "How old do you think I am?". And she says to me in this high crisp tone and is her voice " twenty at most". And then it hits me. While my birth certificate might say otherwise a I am only twenty in sex years. Long story short, I took her to my place and we did it in my shower. Anyways the morals of this story you should go out and figure out your sex age...true story.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Barney's Pop Quiz

Being the awesome person that I am, I have taken time out from my extremely busy schedule to make this pop quiz so you can figure how awesome you are.

1. You've just had sex with a beautiful french woman. What do you do next?
A. Ask her out again.
B. Have sex with her again and never call her again.
C. Tell her you love her.

2. You're at a bar. Which will you rather have sex with?
A. A canadian chick named Robin.
B. Two average looking twin sisters.
C. A really hot mexican model.

3. You're going to a beach party with lots of hot chicks. What do you wear to the party?
A. Go topless and show off your abs.
C. Go in a pair of jeans and top.


If all your answers were B, then you're awesome. If not then you're lame. But lucky for you lame people am awesome and am gonna teach you how to live.

My Video Resume

My Weekend Fan Mail

My awesome fans have sent me a bunch of letters. And as I promised when I started this blog.. am gonna teach you how to live.

fan mail no. 1

Hi barney, there's this girl i've been dating for about two years now. She smart, beautiful and has all the qualities I love in a woman. Am twenty five years old and I've been thinking of asking her to marry me. How exactly do you think I should do this?

from Jeff in new york

Barney says:

Nooooooo!!!. If there's anything you will ever learn from reading my blog. This is definitely one of the most important;..never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever get MARRIED!!. Well don't get me wrong marriages are canna awesome. I mean you get meet all these desperate horny single chicks and stuff and is too short for you to be stuck with one woman all your life. Don't get married Jeff just remain awesome like me.

fan mail no. 2
Hi Barney, am a twenty five year old guy from texas. There's this really cute girl from my home town I like. I've been trying to get her to go out with me for a while now but no luck. Is there any advice you can give me to get her to go out with me.
from Steve in Texas

Barney says
Well steve, the first advice I can give you is SUIT UP. Suits are awesome just look at my pictures. The second advice will be that you have to make her want you you. One way you can do that will be giving her and complementary insult like "you would look a lot more beautiful if you had smaller teeth". And the most important advice would be bang her and never see her again..Hi 5!.

fan mail no. 3
Hi barney, am a twenty year old guy from new jersey. The thing is i've been trying to get a job for a long time with no luck. Any advice on getting it?
from John in new jersey.

Barney says
You need to make a cool video resume like mine. I will post my resume so you can see what I mean..and remember....stay awesome.

Friday, July 17, 2009

My Best Kooga

It was a sunny saturday afternoon. I had finally cured my disgusting feelings for that crazy canadian chick Robin. Ted had just told me about this new client he had who was always complaining to him about about his newest project. Anyways Ted challenged me to hook up with so she could be you know...nicer. Anyways so Ted takes me over to her place introduces me as his executive assistant. Well obviously she's surprised that am his assistant since am so suited up but what surprises me the most is that she is...wait for it...a kooga. You all know what a kooga is right? Well for most of you who don't, a kooga is an older woman in her forty's or fifty's who looks hot. Among the characteristics of a kooga are nice boobs (to seduce her prey), long feminine nails (to pounce on her prey) and like I said earlier a kooga is always between forty to fifty. She's not so old for you to hate but just old enough that you KNOW it's a kooga. Any ways to this Ted's kooga is called Sarah. She's about fourty two, nice boobs, long legs. I tell her my name is Eric Gary. So Ted goes on and starts talking about all this architectural bull shit. At the same time I can't take my eyes off this Kooga's boobs. After about an hour of architectural yapping Ted and I start to head towards the door. But as we start leaving, Sarah the Kooga calls me back and tells me to wait. Ted gives me a quick thumbs up and walks away. Well as I seat down with what`s her name..Sarah am thinking that maybe she likes me or something. But it turns out this blonde bimbo thinks am a good executive assistance and wants to hire me can you imagine that...Anyways after the meeting I go to tell Ted about what happened between me and the kooga. Anyways It turns out this Kooga chick wants to meet me over for dinner at her place to discuss hiring me as her executive assistant. So anyways Ted convinces me to go so am like okay whatever. So I go over to her place and I knock on the door but when she opens the door I see that she`s wearing the half naked lingerie thing. Before I can say anything she drags and we have sex then and there. Anyway I pulled and all-nighter and after that...well let`s just say Ted`s job became a lot easier. So once again I Barney Stinson tamed the kooga and I have the slides to prove it....true story.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

The Best Bank In The World

For all your needs in banking and finance there's only one bank you can rely, it's goliath national bank. This bank is Legen..wait for it..Dary!

The Truth About The Hot Crazy Scale

Most people have asked me about how the hot crazy scale really works and I've decided to finally explain. You see what most people don't get about the hot crazy scale is that what's most important is how crazy a girl is not how hot she is. Let me give you an example. About a year ago i met this chick named stephanie at a bar in the upper west side. She had the nicest lips ever and boobs! Anyways so i offer to buy her a drink but instead of accepting my offer she decides to buy me a drink instead..CRAZY! So we talk and then she tells me that she's from..wait for it..wait for it...wait for it...CANADA! CRAZY!!. So am sitting there thinking to myself there is no way am gonna go home with this woman cos she's crazy. So anyways just as am about to leave she comes close to me to me and offers me a blowjob. And am thinking to myself what am I gonna do now. But before I even give her an anwser she drags me straight into the men's room and starts taking my pants off. Long story short we did it in the men's room. So we go back into the bar to get back to our drinks and we start talking. In the middle of our discussion out of no where she tells me she's IN LOVE WITH ME..CRAZY! Am thinking i've got to get out of here but then she starts tell me about how she a yoga instructor and that she can bend over backwards. This makes her higher in a hot scale. Long story short I took her to my place and my place banged her and left when she was in the shower. Anyways the lesson is if you think a woman is too crazy just bang her and never see her again...AWESOME!

Am Awesome

So am sitting down at McClarens when this asian chick walks up to me and starts yapping to me about something in chinese. So anyways five minutes later ted walks into the bar and asks me what that was about and am like "I have no idea". So we order our burger and fries. Twenty minutes later this crazy lesbian chick jumps at me from no where and starts yelling at me about trying to steal her girlfriend. Naturally am shocked but then it occurs to me that her girlfriend must have been the OTHER crazy lesbian I met at the bar. Before I can explain to her that I wasnt doing anything, she hits me on the head with some shoe thingy. Long story short, I ended up having crazy monkey sex with both of them. Which reminds me.. AM AWESOME!