Monday, December 24, 2012

Patent Pending
Barney Stinson
Fortress of Barnitude
Awesomeville, USA 696969
United States Patent and Trademark Office
ATTN: Commissioner for Patents
P.O. Box 1450
Alexandria, VA
Dear Sir or Madam… actually, just Sir. If you’re a madam, just pass this over to a sir. Thanks, lady.
Six years ago I applied for patents on two inventions. You rejected the Chick Magnet citing fears of “catastrophic radioactive fallout.” Fair enough. No hard feelings. I sold the idea to a company in Turkmenistan that is beginning tests on a prototype Chick Magnet. Based on a very quick image search, I hope it’s a strong one. Yikes.
You never responded to my second idea, however, and I’d like to resubmit my patent application. The American Inventors Protection Act of 1999 (Public Law 106-113, 113 Stat. 1501) clearly states that any person who “invents or discovers any new and useful process, machine, manufacture, or composition of matter, or any new and useful improvement thereof, may obtain a patent.” I think you’ll find my invention easily meets those criteria. Ready?
Back Boobs.
That’s right. The visual stimulation of missionary meets the emotional detachment of doggie style. (I’d also like to patent that slogan.)
The idea is simple: Supplement the modern female chest with an equally supple bosom atop her currently flat shoulder blades. This way women can elevate their social status by doubling their cleavage while men gain the ability to gawk at a pair of cans without having to feign eye contact or interest in whatever it is women talk about… Our best guess is “shopping.”
While the invention is tentatively titled “Back Boobs,” I’d also like to file for protection of the following possible names:
“Back Rack”
“Mirror Melons”
“Boob Mullet”
“Double D 360”
“Flesh Backpack”
In addition, I’d like to file for provisional patents on potential collateral inventions such as:
“The Extreme Sports Bra”
“The Double Bikini”
“Back Boob Jobs”
“Fully Topless Bars”
“Reverse Motorboating”
I anxiously await your response. We’re excited to begin “development.”
Barney Stinson

Sweet Interrogation Room

In my prolific life as the ultimate bro, I’ve often found myself stuck inside a place I’d rather not be. (And I’m not talking about that Persian lady. You know who you are, K. Kardashian.)
I’m talking about interrogation rooms. If you’re ever being held in a backroom, ask them to point to the specific rule that prevents your actions. Trust me: It always works. Here are some instances where rules have been created solely because of something I’ve done…
“No Llamas at Sea World.”
So I was talking to this chick at MacLaren’s a couple years back and she was a marine biologist. I thought, “Okay great; I have scuba gear at home, this is going to be easy.” What I didn’t know: She was only a marine biologist because she flunked out of veterinary school. (Sidebar: Flunked out of veterinary school? How hard is it to memorize, “Bring in some of your pet’s poop and I’m gonna trim their nails.) Apparently she’s always had a fascination with llamas. I, on the other hand, have always had a fascination with doing it up against the shark tank while those majestic sons-of-bitches swim by. Long story short, she snuck us into Sea World, I called my llama guy, and the rest is history. (It’s not my fault llamas can’t swim or defend themselves.)
“No Sex in the Bathroom.”
This sign has actually been erected, and I do mean erected, in several hundred places in Manhattan. You wouldn’t believe how angry people get when they walk into the bathroom and see me nailing their girlfriend and/or wife. They’re horrified. It’s not like we’re doing it in the handicap stall! (Sidebar: The actual sidebar in the handicap stall actually provides a way to get a ton of torque.)
“No Spiking the Gatorade Cooler with Everclear at a Major Sports Event to Ensure Your Points Spread.”
This is just a ridiculous rule. So what if 7 people went to the hospital… I lost 15 bucks!
“No Fireworks in the Guggenheim.”
Since when is it illegal to take a smoking hot French chick to the Guggenheim, pose as great grandson Ziggy Guggenheim, and light fireworks in the atrium so that this, and I’ll again reiterate, smoking hot French chick, would do it under a Picasso? You win this time, Guggenheim Security… but Ziggy Guggenheim will be back.
“Do Not Pretend Your Personal Laser Tag Gun is a Real Gun.”
So I’m with this girl who thinks I’m a bank robber. Obviously, if I’m going to get her in the mood, I need to rob a bank. It’s not like it was a real gun! It was a laser tag gun! I will say this, GNB should know better. Why would their “Director of INFORMATION REMOVED” ever rob his OWN bank? That’s just ridiculous.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Jury Booty

My buddy recently tried a court case in front of an all-female jury. This was probably the best chance he’ll ever have to score a 13-way but of course he blew it because he’s “married.” What a waste! You see, when you’re litigating a case in front of a jury, you’re basically the star of the show: You’re dressed in an expensive suit, delivering impassioned speeches in a high-pressure environment, and your audience is legally required to sit there and listen. If you’re a lawyer trying a case, there’s simply no excuse for not winning a little jury box.
The secret to sleeping with a hot juress is to stack the deck in your favor before the trial begins. In this way, it’s similar to how you’d secure a legal victory, though sadly not as simple as slipping the judge a key to an Escalade with stacks of cash hidden in the wheel well. It all begins during the “voir dire” process… that’s when lawyers ask potential jurors certain questions before the trial starts. How do I know that? Because I’m fully licensed to practice law.*
Here are a set of interview questions to help ensure a potential juror will be fair, impartial, and most importantly, down to bang your gavel.
1) Please state your name, age, occupation and cup size.
2) Do you or any members of your immediate family or close personal friends work in law enforcement? If so, have they ever threatened a guy who said he’d call you back and then never did?
3) Do you have any brothers that you would describe as bigger than me? By “bigger” I refer to height and weight only, not penis length.
4) Do you have any sisters that you would describe as “crazily competitive” with you? If so, would you say that they’re hotter than you? If so, do you have a picture of them?
5) This trial is expected to last five days and one amazing night. That’s it. No more. Is there anything about the length or scheduling of this trial that would interfere with your ability to serve?
6) What was your age again? And remember, you’re under oath.
7) During deliberations, if you have formed an opinion, would it be difficult for you to keep an open mind and listen to the opinion of others? For example, would you be open to wear a wig and an apron, and speak with a French accent?
8) This case entails some sexually explicit scenarios. Is that something you will be comfortable hearing about and/or participating in?
9) Have you met anyone in this courtroom before? Look really hard, and try to imagine each person with a moustache or perhaps dressed in a uniform, possibly explaining to you that they had to leave early in the morning for a secret mission.
10) In order to ensure that no juror becomes tainted (heh), you will be expected to keep the details of the trial and any further contact with members of the court to yourself. Can you agree to keep this secret? In addition, it is extremely important that you not discuss with other jurors any personal interactions you may experience with members of the court’s members… unless you reasonably think the other juror will become so jealous that she’ll desire a similar interaction.
*…in Indonesia, Space, and certain parts of Louisiana.