Monday, November 30, 2009

What people are saying about the playbook....

Being the awesome guy that i am, i have taken time out of my busy schedule of awesomeness to find out what people think about the playbook..

Ssup Barney. My cell mate borrowed me a copy of the play book. And it's aite.
I especially like the "Am a hardcore rap artist". I think am definitely gonna try that one out when i get outta prison considering am actually a hardcore rap artist.

Barrack Obama
After the C.I.A inspected the copy of the play book you sent me, i spent hours studying it. I've
already sent a copy of the book to the russian prime-minister and he loves it. I think the playbook is what this country needs right now to get us out of this economic
mess Bush put us in. And to those who are wondering whether the plays in the playbook are
say to them.....YES WE CAN!!!

David Beckham
Fantastic barney absolute fantastic. Blimey barney the playbook
is spot-on. Me and me mates are going down to the pub to try out sum'or tha plays in tha book. Hopefully porshe doesn't read your blog.

Kobe Bryant
To be the best you've got to beat the best and i think that's what this playbook is all about. Good job barney, hopefully this book will take us to the playoffs

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Dear America

I know you're probably wondering why it took me so long to write in my awesome blog. Well the reason is simple. I made the stupid but common mistake of entering into.....wait for it....a relationship. Yes my friends even the most awesome people can fall prey to the fatal claws of a relationship. But now america....Daddy's back. And his back bigger and better than ever. If there's one thing i've learnt from being in a relationship it's this. Am awesome and relationships are stupid. I mean yes Robin Scherbertsky is canna hot for a canadian but just look at what happened to me when i got into a relationship. I gained weight, i became a lot less awesome and worse of all....i went to canada **yuck**. But now it's time for me to make up for lost time by banging every hot chick in New york city one hottie at a time. Well by now am pretty sure most of you have heard about the divine book called...The playbook. It's importance to humanity is second only to the bro code. The playbook contains plays from the "My penis grants wishes" to the "Ted mosby" to the much more complicated "Scuba diver" and one of my personal favorites "the he's not coming". Well tommorow night i am going to be performing one of the trickiest plays in the playbook called "President Clinton". What is the president clinton? Well am glad you asked. Step 1: Get a suit preferable an Armani. Step 2: Acquire your target, preferably a blonde. Step 3: Before talking to her receive a fake phone call from former President Clinton asking you to meet in washington next week...and's on..**wink**.

Monday, August 24, 2009

The Amature's guide to Picking up chicks (Lesson 1)

Am awesome(but you already knew that). In my years on this earth, I have had sex with well over 200 women, 20% of which are celebrities, and all of which are hot. Every where I go people keep asking "Barney, how do you do it" So now, I have decide to give a few tips to help less awesome people pick up chicks

Step 1: Suit up! This is probably one of the most important steps of all. Suits are awesome, suits are cool. Am exhibit A. But one important thing to note is that all suits are not equal. Take me for example. My cheapest suit is a $2500 italian suit. It's important to buy quality suits only. Also, Never ever ever ever ever wear a black suit with brown shoes, that is a big fashion harzard.

Step 2: Never underestimate the power of alcohol! Alcohol is awesome. Every day in bars all around the U.S, sexy young women get drunk. Women always talk about the mistakes they make by sleeping with strangers when they are could be that stranger.

Step 3: Find a good wing man! Wing men are very important to picking up chicks. Having a good wingman can make a difference between riding a tricycle or riding a unicycle (If you know what I mean). The best wing men are actually homosexuals. Homosexuals are absolute chick magnets. Chicks love them! They share a love of fashion and women are always comfortable around them because they can be sure that homosexuals are not trying to get into their pants.

Step 4: Location! Location! Location! People think bars are the only place for picking up chicks. Wrong!!! Go to hardware stores, movie thearters, malls, yoga classes and even hospitals. These are just a few steps. I will post some others later and remember......nothing and everything, is possimpleble.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

I am not your therapist....

I am not your therapist. I am not a psychologist either. I am simply a really awesome guy who basically teaches people how to live. I opened my fan mail recently and what I found was really disturbing. Some guy asked me what he needed to do to get over his dog's death. Another one asked me for the best way to get over his cheating girlfriend. Now let me make this clear for all of you. I am not your therapist. Anyways beside the really annoying emails I have taken time out to reply to some of the recent fan mail I got.

Dear Barney,
I've just been offered a job in New york, but if I take the job and leave New Jersey that means I would have to break up with my girlfriend whom I love so much. Please tell me what to do.
From Eric

Barney says: Eric....have I taught you nothing! Girlfriends are overrated. My advice is clear and simple. Get the hell out of New jersey and move to New york. New york is awesome plus their a lot of way hotter girls than your "girlfriend"

Dear Barney,
I met this really cute girl that I really want to bang. The only problem is....she's canadian. What should I do?
from Peter

Barney says: Well the answer is simple. BANG HER! There's nothing wrong with having sex with canadians. I myself have been involved in several canadian sex acts with quite a number of canadians and believe me, they make up in bed for what they lack in everything else.

Dear Barney,
I just got this really great promotion but the job is in canada. Should I take it?
from Tom

Barney says: Absolutely not. Canada is not nearly as awesome as the states and if you take the job I will officially ban you from reading my awesome blog.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

A golden rule you must never forget.....

Someone recently asked me " Barney when exactly should I call a girl to ask her out after getting her number?". The answer is simple. Remember when I told you guys about the "three day rule", well the truth is that deciding when to call a girl is a lot more complicated than waiting for three days. Today am going to me teaching you about one of the golden rules when it comes to calling a woman and it's simple "Never ever ever ever ever ask a woman out to lunch if you think you can get her to sleep with you on the fist date" The reasons are simple. No woman does one night stands in the afternoon. This being because women are not that horny in the day. I mean they have been some exceptions. There was this one time when I banged Ted's Doctor's secretary during broad day light. But that's just because am awesome. Not many people are nearly as awesome as I am. Another reason for this Golden Rule is most women are not intoxicated during the day, at night however women get drunk and can easily be taken advantage of. Don't get me wrong, it is still possible to bang a woman when she is completely sober but a lot easier when she's at least a little bit drunk. Finally, I think the most important reason for this rule is when you bang a woman at night, she can fall asleep therefore giving you the chance to get out before she wakes up. On the other hand a woman who has been banged during the day is very alert. And remember guys it's called one night stand not one day stand.


YES!!!! Ted and his girlfriend have finally broken up. And believe it or not I had absolutely nothing to do with it. Ted told me why they broke up but there's no way in hell and would actually remember what he said. Well I finally have a cool bro to hang out with. And tomorrow night is going to be Legendary! I actually bought a new suit just for this special occasion. Sometimes people ask me why do I need a wing man in picking up chicks. But the truth is the more awesome you are the greater your need for a wing man. The first Wing man in history can be dated back to the time when Barnibus Stinson and his cousin went to a bar in New york to pick up chicks. Some of the famous Wing men in history include George Washington and Benjamin Franklin, as well as Brad Pitt and George Clooney. I have had my share of famous Wing Men including Vinnie Chase, Brody Jenner, and even Nick Lachey. None of them have ever been as good as my best friend Ted Mosby. I suggest to all of you out there, if you are ever lucky enough to find that great wing man....never let him go.

Monday, August 17, 2009

The truth behind the Naked man...

Many people have asked me "Oh Barney, how do you make the naked man work?" And I think it's time I reveal the truth behind the naked man. As most of you already know, the naked man remained a mystery to me until about two years ago when "he" came to me. "He"(as I refer to him) was not very good looking neither was he very bright but he pulled off the naked man on Robin.The true origins of the naked man can be traced back to many years ago when the great Barnibus Stinson successfully seduced a female senator by using the naked man. Now one thing you need to remember is that the Naked Man will only work two out of three times. I have taken time out of my busy schedule of awesomeness to give you some basic tips to making the naked man a success.

1. Timing : The Naked man is only used as a last resort. So be sure to time your move. Wait till your partner is away. Make any excuse you can to give your self enough time to undress yourself.

2. The Pose: One of the most important things to note is the pose. The pose can basically determine the outcome of the naked man. A bad pose can really ruin things. Some of the really good poses you can make include the am so surprise pose and the superman pose. The am so surprised pose involves you basically opening your mouth as though you're completely surprised, while the superman pose involves you standing with both your arms folded across your chest as though you were superman.

3. Keep it Standing: I advise that you keep...."little junior down there" standing when she walks in. This makes her more aware about your intentions and studies have shown that 80% of women in America are impressed by this. I think keeping it standing is really important because let's be honest little junior can't do his job lying down.

4. Size Matters: Anyone who has ever told you that size doesn't matter is a big liar. Size does matter. Unfortunately this is an area you have very little control over. My advice is if you are a little unfortunate in this area, you focus on other areas to help you with the naked man. For all of you reading this, I encourage you to try the naked man...and may the force of the naked man be with you.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Guess who's on my bed right now......

Well am sitting beside my bed right now. And guess who's sleeping here beside me....wait for it...Ted's girlfriend's sister. Am so awesome I don't even remember her name. Well I told you guys about how I thought Ted's girlfriend was hitting on me and how it turned out that it was actually her sister, well right now let's just say there's a new addition to my personal "banged list". So anyway I just wrote a note for her to read when she wakes up. Here take a look.

Dear Residence Am sorry to leave you hanging, but the President just called my cell phone and I have to leave for Iraq for some awesome super secret mission. Yes, I am actually a highly trained General for the 24th regiment. Last night was awesome and I especially love what you did with your hips. Thanks for a great night.....from Barney.

There's nothing better than a one night stand with a sexy woman. And if I've learned anything from this experience it's awesome.

Friday, August 14, 2009

You won`t belive what I just found out.....

You guys remember when I told you about how Ted's girlfriend tried to seduce me. Of course you do you read my blog everyday. Well I hadn't made up my mind about whether to tell ted about it or not. So I decided to talk to Lily and Marshal about it and you know ask for some advice. So am at the McClarens with Lily and Marshal telling them about what happened with me and Ted`s girlfriend or rather what almost happened and all of a sudden they start laughing. And am like ``What`s so funny about that``. And Lily says ``You`ll see soon enough`` And like five minutes later Ted walks in all smiling and everything. And he says ``Hey Barney I hear you`ve met Cindy, Karen sister``. And Lily and Marshal start laughing again. After they finally stopped laughing. They explained everything to me. It turns out the girl I met in Ted`s apartment was actually his girlfriend`s.....wait for it.....identical twin sister. Can you believe that! So I practically turned down a good set of tits for no good reason. Apparently now Cindy thinks am gay for turning her down. Can you believe that! Am the most straight person in the world. By mere statistics alone I don`t think there`s a strighter man on the planet. So now am on my way to Ted`s place to try to seduce this Cindy person...damn I`ve never been this angry since I found out my accountant was canadian.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I swear this just happened...

So it's just about five o' clock in the afternoon and just finished work at Goliath National Bank. By the way I just got promoted to senior manager. So anyway I told you guys how I've been having problems finding a good bro since Ted started hanging out with his new girlfriend. So I decided to go talk to him about it, you know ask him to break up with his girlfriend and all. Remember the bro code, Article 49, bros before hoes. So am at Ted's place waiting for him to come back from work when his girlfriend walks into his apartment. And she says "Oh hi Barney, Ted will be here in a few minutes". I ignore her of course. I mean the last thing I want to do is make friends with the enemy after all she's trying to steal my best friend. So she walks away to her room. So like five minutes later she walks back into the living room in this hot seductive dress and am thinking to myself "how come I never noticed Ted's girlfriend has such a great ass. No wonder he dosen't want to hang out with me". So just when am thinking about going home she comes in with a glass of scotch and says "Hey Barney. I know how HARD you are I mean how hard you've been working" Then she winks at me. And am like "Are you flirting with me?" and then she says "When am flirting with you you'll know". Then I stand up to start walking out of the apartment when she takes her top off and out comes this huge set of beautiful breasts. Before I can say anything she pushes me down on the couch and askes me to take my clothes off. So I panicked and ran out of the apartment like I was being chased by the mexican mafia. That was the first time I ever turned down such a good looking set of tits before. While one part of my brain was saying "BANG HER, BANG HER" Another part was saying "Ted's your bestfriend and this is his girlfriend" I mean I can't blame her for trying to have sex with I mean look how good looking I am plus I wear a suit. I haven't made up my mind whether to tell Ted about it or not right now am still shock. Well I guess that's what you get for being as awesome as I am.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Guess who I did last night........

It was just after midnight. So I made a call to this nurse/college student that I met a few weeks ago. Like I've said before, the later the time of the day the less words you have to say when making a booty call. So basically when this nurse/college student picked up the phone (by the way her name was Karen). All I had to say was; "you busy" and when she said no I said "McClarens in half an hour" and I hung up. So anyway she calls about twenty minutes later and tells me that her best friend just broke up with her boyfriend so she needs to hang out with her and try and make her feel better. The average guy will take this as a no and spend the night alone. But being the great Barnicle that I am I saw this as a not so obvious opportunity to ride...wait for it...the tricycle. The tricycle is sometimes referred to as a threesome or "La trois" in french. So anyway I told Karen that I was a professional relationship expert and that I could help her friend out. So she sent me her address and s0 I got to her place about twenty minutes later. Surprisingly, her friend was a lot hotter than she was. So anyway I start working my charm telling her about how she was too good for her boyfriend blah blah blah. When she finally stopped crying, I was just about to move up to step two, body contact when out of nowhere Karen asked " Hey Barney, would like to sex with the both of us. Threesomes always cheers us up after a breakup". Long story short, let's just say her indecent proposal was met with multiple entries. Anyway the lesson of this story is this never take no for an answer. If there's a suit, there's a way.

Monday, August 10, 2009

A time for Reflection

Am still working on a plan to break Ted and his girlfriend up. I've thought about seducing her or getting someone to do it for me, but I didn't want to break the bro code. Any way the recent events in my life have made me reflect more on myself. I now find myself asking " Do I do enough?" Do I watch porn enough, Do I wear suits enough and most importantly, Do I have sex enough? My dear fellow Americans, I encourage all of you to reflect on your lives. Do you wake up to the same woman every morning? or a to a different bimbo every morning? If your answer is yes to the first question then you are a complete idiot and I here by ban you from ever reading my blog again. If your answer is yes to the second question....then you're just awesome. America was built on a foundation of bimbos. No bimbos in bars would be like no alcohol at bars or no suits at the shopping mall. They complete this great country and make it what it is today. I encourage all of you to rise up and have sex with as many bimbos as you can find. People may tell you it is impossible but I the Barnicle tells you it is possible. I want each and everyone of you to go towards a point in life where the possible and the impossible meet....the possimpleble. The is is a place where very few men have ever reached. So what is the possimpleble? Instead of giving you a definition I would prefer to give you a pure and simple example. Banging the waitress at your favourite bar....possible. Banging a famous celebrity.....for some people impossible. The Possimpleble is where these two things meet. The possimpleble in this case will be banging a famous waitress. Get it. If I can leave you with one thought today my dear blog readers.....nothing and everything is possimpleble.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Am Breaking Up Ted And His Girlfriend

My dear blog readers, It's no longer news that Brody and I are no longer bros. That being because he broke one of the most sacred rules of the bro code. Article 51, bro before hoes. So any way I am officially broless now. Well the real big problem is that Ted and his stupid girlfriend have been hanging out way too much. I mean it's like I don't even exist any more. The other night I walked in on them making out. I asked Ted to follow me down to McClarens to act as my wing man. And guess what....he turned me down because apparently it's was their stupid anniversary. Can you believe that? He would rather hang out with his girlfriend than help me pick up chicks on his anniversary for that stupid! So anyway folks i've finally made up my mind to break Ted and his girlfriend up. I know it sounds extreme but it's for Ted's good. I mean, if I don't break them up now they could end up married and have kids. Why spend your life with one woman when you can have them all? Why have kids when you can be awesome like me? Anyway am off to finish making my plan for Ted and "what's her name" to break up. Wish me luck.

Am Breaking up Ted and his girlfriend


Friday, August 7, 2009

Brody comes to town...

So I told you guys about how me and Vince Chase gotten into a fight and are no more bros. Well Ted's been busy with his new girlfriend so I needed a new wing man. This time I was definitely not going to go with that guy that bleeds from his nose and Marshall was too busy being....married. So anyways I heard that my old buddy Brody was in town, apparently he was in for a meeting about getting on a new show. So I decided to give him a call to meet me up at McClarens. The only small problem with that was that Brody is kind of a celebrity and also I personally feel he sometimes earns some undeserved attention. But lucky for someone like me am also kind of a celebrity because of my blog which readers like you just can't get enough of. So it's just around ten at night and I meet up with Brody over at McClarens. He isn`t suited up, but he`s always been okay without a suit so I ignore that. ``Hey Barney`` he says to me when he sees me. So I say `` Am ok man. It`s nice to see you after so long``. So we order a couple of beers and after getting just a little bit drunk we get down to business. But before Brody can start performing his full duties as my official wing man, some hot blonde chick with crazy eyes comes over to our table and whispers something into brody`s ear. All of sudden Brody starts leaving and I ask him `` Hey man where you going so soon`` and his like`` sorry bro, this chick just told me she`ll like to have sex with me. see you later``. What a stupid idiot! Stupid celebrities, they think they own the place. Whatever happened to the strong ties of broness. Whatever happened wing men helping each other out. The bro code clearly states ``Bros before hoes``. Brody was in direct violation of the bro code. He isn`t my bro, he`s just an overpaid celebrity with horny hot groupees. Anyways that`s all in the past. I guess I`ll be flying solo for a while.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Guess who sent me a text...

Well it turns out Vinnie Chase knows a friend who knows a friend who's got a gun. So this "friend" sent me a text message. It kind of looks like this

Hey Barney, I know who you are. If you ever disrespect my friend Vinnie chase, I'll cut off your balls and feed them to my dog bruno. I know where you live and if you fuck with me I'll shoot your legs off.

A regular person would be frightened by this. But not me. Am pretty damn sure this is just some stupid dumbass prank by Joey or maybe even Vince. I showed the message to Ted and he thinks I should call the cops but I think that's exactly what Vince wants me to do. It's just amazing how this whole thing could escalate to stupid childish threats. Any way I don't care about that. But just for insurance am thinking of becoming bros with Brody. Apparently he had a fight with the dude that won his "Bromance" show so now they're not speaking. I mean Ted is a great bro but he's always too busy with this his new girlfriend Mariam or something but Brody has all the connections plus he reads my blog. Anyway I've gotta go give Brody a call. And Vince..I know you're reading this you low life prick. Am awesome and you're not. So quit the stupid messages or I just might call the cops.

So Vincent Chase calls..

I told you guys about the call I received from Joey Tribbiani right. So apparently he's friends with Vincent Chase the star of Aquaman. Vince sent me a mail last week telling me about what a good job i've been doing with my blog. He said he thought I had the most interesting information on the internet ( after porn of course). In a spirit of good broness. I sent him a reply that looked something like this.
Dear Vinnie Chase,
I read your letter and I have to confess am a big fan. Aqua man was a brilliant movie and Queen's bolevard was a great movie too. I especially loved your sex scene with Scarlett Johannsen. Anyway I just wanted to say thank you for your support and from one bro to another.....good luck
From Barney Stinson

So I was thinking to myself now I've got another cool bro to hang out with whenever Ted was to busy been in a relationship or something. But surprisingly today he about how him and Joey have been bros for a really long time. He says "Joey is my man. He's like my number one wing man and I really do not appreciate you insulting him or talking crap about him. I tell him " Hey come down Vinnie it's not a big deal. I mean am also your bro too right?" "Not any more" he says. Then he bangs the phone down like some stupid idiot. So now apparently I and Vinnie Chase and his stupid entourage have a beef. But don't expect me to go making some stupid rap or some video about how he's obsessed with me. I have a lot more dignity than that. Besides am a lot more awesome than Vinnie Chase or he's gay friend Joey... I have a suit and they don't.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Joey Tribbiani Calls.....

So am sitting in my living room minding my own business when Joey (from friends) calls. And he starts yapping about how he`s got more game than me. Can you believe that! So anyway am like I`ve had sex with a lot more woman than he has (which I have). Then he says `shut up swarley, I keep hearing all this stuff on the internet about you having more game than me. It`s pissing me off and you really need to stop spreading false stories.` Then I remind him that he dosen`t even own a single suit. Not even one! Besides he could not bang Rachel. All he has is some stupid catch phrase....``how you doing``. Then he says he`s more awesome than I am. That`s when I get really mad! As you all know I Barney Stinson am the most awesome person in the world. Otherwise you wouldn`t be reading my blog. Which brings me to point number two; Joey dosen`t even have a blog. Am not even sure if he has a computer! Then he starts threatening me about how he could kick my ass and blah blah. I get angry so I hung the phone up. Can you imagine that nonsense. Joey saying he has more game than me...what a stupid moron!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Mariah Vs Eminem......Barney's Verdict

I've never really been into rap music or music as a whole, but a fan recently sent me a mail asking me for my opinion on the whole Eminem vs Mariah carey issue. Well being the great blogger that I am, I have taken some time off my busy schedule of being awesome to give my honest opinion. The first mistake Eminem made was obvious and this brings me lesson number one for today. Never ever ever ever have sex with a celebrity without making a sex tape out of it. It's the least you should get for the hard work. Nailing a celebrity requires a lot of complex strategy and technique. I would know that because I happen to have a lot of experience in it. And every now and then I watch those tapes over and over again and I think to myself " I could do really well in porn". But anyways mistake number two for Eminem was making a big deal out of the whole thing from the start. So here comes lesson number two; never ever ever ever get into a public fight with a woman ( if you're a guy). It never ends well no matter what. Whether you're right or wrong or you win or lose it's never a pretty sight. And finally I think Mariah wins this one hands down. Not only does she have really big boobs her obsessed video is classy and turned out to be quiet a hit. So sorry M&M's but this goes to Mariah (whom I have slept with by the way)

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Lily who......

So I made the incredibly huge mistake of telling Lily about that dream I had the other night. So anyways as expected she tells that big-headed pain in the ass Marshall. And now all of a sudden am "lover boy". Like that is in bad enough now I think Robin might have found out because she keeps giving me these weird looks all the time....or maybe it's because of the new suit I just got. So now am trying to put all this Robin thing behind me. I leave McClaren`s at about one in the morning. And guess who`s calling....Robin. I pinch myself just to make sure I wasn`t dreaming. She tells me to meet her at that new chinese restaurant at fifth avenue. So I ask the taxi driver to take me there. On my way there am thinking to myself `Robin hates chinese food`. When I get there guess who I see at the entrance of the Restaurant. It`s Lily and Marshall laughing at the top of their voices. Am angry as hell so I get off the taxi and yell at Lily and Marshall at the top of voice and just when their about to say what think might have been an apology, I yell again and get back into the cab. I am officially not talking to Lily or Marshal. I guess this proves that red heads can`t keep secrets.

Friday, July 31, 2009

This just in....

So am in taxi on my way back home when guess who Robin calls me. Am a bit surprised cos it's like twelve o' clock at night. So am thinking to myself "what the hell does she want". Next thing I know, she starts talking to me about how she's always had feelings for me and how she wants to do me right now on her couch. So am thinking to myself this is an opportunity to sleep to Robin again but on the other hand am thinking about the "no sex with your bro's ex" rule in the bro code. Am also thinking about how this will affect my friendship with my best friend ted. I mean the first time I had sex with Robin Ted and I got into this really huge fight about friendship and blah blah blah. It got so bad I felt like we were some old married couple or something. So anyways I decide to go over to her place to at least talk to her or something. Well when I get there she appears to be half drunk but she still looks hot as hell. She says with a seductive and inviting voice "come on in". So I walk in to her apartment and man was it a mess. She had clothes all over the place. She offers me a drink and so I take a glass of what seemed to taste like very cheap red wine. So she starts telling me about how she hasn't had sex in two months. Then all of sudden she starts crying. I try to comfort her and all of sudden she kisses me. I start taking her clothes off but all of a sudden an alarm goes off. It's coming from the clock on my bedside. I wake up. It was only a dream. I am thinking to myself what the hell does this dream mean. Well let me make this clear anyway. I am not I repeat am not in anyway in love with Robin or any woman for that matter. I am the Barnicle. The King of one night stands, the ruler of Bachelor country, the founder of not a father's day. I can never be in love. So I like being around Robin I like the way she smells, I always want to be around her and I miss her when she's gone. It dosen't mean am in love with her. Believe me when I say the Barnicle is made to be single. And to prove it to you I am going to McClarens tonight to have sex with the first bimbo I see......just after am done watching the news on metro news 1.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

How Canadian are you.....

I believe that among the top five worst things that could happen to someone, being canadian tops the list. The other four things would be being in a relationship, getting married, having kids and catching the yips. I have designed a quiz that will determine how canadian you really are. Unfortunately for some of you who may test positive of canadianess, medical science is yet to create a cure for being canadian.

quiz # 1
What is your favorite sport?
A. Ice Hockey
B. American Football
C. Basketball

What is your favorite tree?
A. A maple leaf tree.
B. An orange tree.
C. Am too awesome to have a favorite tree.

Which of the following people would you rather have sex with?
A. Robin
B. Heidi Klum
C. Paris Hilton

If all your answers were A, then am afraid you a bit too much canadian. I advice to move to the states (if you don't live here) and have sex with as many American bimbos you can find. And remember never ever ever ever call them again.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Fan Mail

This week a few of my awesome blog readers sent a few letters to my fan mail inbox. Being the busy man that I am, I could have a chance to read a few of them.

fan mail #1
Hey Barney, how's it going. Am a twenty five year guy from New Jersey. The problem is my boss wouldn't ever stop yelling at me. I don't know what to do. Do I yell back at him or quit my job? Any advice.
from Andy

Dear Andy,
I think your first problem is obvious. WHAT A HELL ARE YOU DOING IN NEW JERSEY? Andy Andy Andy...come to New York. It's the city that never sleeps. As for your work problem, my advice is that you never ever ever ever yell at your boss. If you are familiar with the chain of screaming.. I mean the cycle of screaming you would realize that screaming at your boss is never a good idea. Just give it some time and you would get used to all the screaming.

fan mail # 2
Dear Barnicle, am a twenty seven year old guy from New york. Me and my wife just got divorced. I just can't stop thinking about her. Do you have any advice to help me get over her.
from John
Dear john
The solution to your problem is simple. Go to the nearest bar, bang the first hot girl you see and never call her again. Problem solved.
from Barney

fan mail # 3
Dear Barney, am a twenty two year old guy from L.A. I think I might be suffering from the Yips. I just found out that the woman I lost my virginity to had pretended because my cousion paid her. The problem is she died about a year ago so it's too late for me to try to rock her world for real. Do you have any advice for me
from Fred

Dear Fred
That's a tough one Fred. I think you should find out if she has any cousins, or sisters. I suggest
you bang as many of her sisters as you can find. Good Luck.
from Barney

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Woo girls

Every now and then I walk into a bar and look at a table filled with attractive good-looking women who woo. It fills me with joy to always know that somewhere out there is a really hot desperate woman. A fan recently sent me this mail asking what woo girls are. Well being the awesome person that I am, I've taken time out of my schedule of being awesome to explain what a woo girl really is. But the first question really is...what is a woo? A woo is characteristic sound made a young female usually between her mid to late twenties. Most woos are made over little things like when the pizza gets delivered or other things like when a model takes his shirt off. What is very common among woo girls is their desperation. Studies have shown that over 80% of woo girls are bimbos. These studies have also shown that one out of every three woo girls will sleep with you on the first date... true story. Woo girls are a gift of life itself. Most girls only become woo girls after going through certain situations like a bad break up, or when they've just lost their job or when they find out their canadian. Apart from your regular woo girls there are also the Grade B woo girls. These are not actual woo girls. These girls only woo once in a while. A good example may be Robin. Most people may wonder what to do when faced with a woo girl. But before I answer that question I think it would be important to know the history surrounding the species that is the woo girl.
It was a hot summer afternoon. The year was 1875, Professor. Barnicle Supremo was going for an expedition in a small town not far from what we now call New york City. As he strolled down, he was shocked to hear a strange but somewhat erotic sound now referred to as a woo. He searched his surroundings and when he finally found the source of this sound he was dumbfounded to realize that the sound was being made by a young and beautiful woman. Professor. Barnicle introduced himself to this woman. Her name was Garcia Lopez. And do you know what Prof. Barnicle did? He slept with her and never called her again. This coincidentally was the same day the "one night stand" was invented. Two years later Professor. Barnicle was awarded a nobel prize for his article on the woo girls. So you see my dear awesome blog readers, when faced with a woo girl just sleep with her and never call her again.....true story.

I Have A Dream....

My dear fellow Americans, It is with great awesomeness that I write this letter. Many years ago the great Martin Luther King wrote a letter quite similar to mine but a lot less awesome. But I write today to tell you ladies and gentlemen that I, the Barnicle, have a dream today. I have a dream that one day from the city that is new york and the wonderful place that is Atlantic City will have bimbos will wear thongs all day long. I have dream today. I have a dream that one day the mistake that is canada will simply....seize to exist. I have a dream today. I have a dream that all the great children of the land that is America, our children that the future and hope of this country will realize how silly and stupid marriage really easy and abolish it for all eternity. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day the institution that is our congress will realize the tremendous importance of the bro code and make it a part of the constitution. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day condoms will be made better thereby giving 100% protection. I have a dream today. But my dear fellow Americans it is only a dream. For this dream to become a reality we must rise up in this harsh times that is our economy. And in the words of the great man Barrack Obama...Yes we can.

How Hot Are You?

Being the awesome blogger that I am I have designed this Hotness quiz to help my awesome readers find out how hot they really are. This four questions have been carefully designed to help less awesome people ( offense) determine how attractive or unattractive they really are.

Question Number 1
1. When you walk into a room full of chicks what do you do?
A. Sit alone with your lame wife
B. Hit on the hottest girl in the bar
C. Stay alone and wait for someone to hit on you

2. You're in a room alone with Scarlett johanssen..what do you do?
A. You joggle
B. You perform a really cool magic trick.
C. You ask for her autograph

3. You just had sex with a hot blonde chick?
A. You ask her out again.
B. You sneak out and never call her again.
C. You ask her to marry you.

4. You're really sad..what do you do?
A. You cry about it.
B. You stop being sad and be awesome instead.
C. You just keep being sad.

If your answers were all B then you are smoking hot. If not then you're not hot. I suggest you get a suit and sleep with some bimbos. That always helps....true story.
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Monday, July 27, 2009

I am not SWARLEY...

A few years ago, this girl with the crazy eyes served me a cup of coffee and addressed it to swarley. Well ted and marshall thought it would be funny...I didn't. It was and is a stupid respectful name. It was absolutely humiliating. I kept receiving this stupid phone calls down at McClarens. Robin even got registered for a magazine under the name...Swarlous. It was so hard getting over that name. Then yesterday I received this message in my fan mail addressed to Swarley. So I have taken time out to point it out to everyone out there. I AM NOT SWARLEY. In fact there is no swarley. I am Barney Stinson. An awesome respectable member of society. Swarley is a stupid name. In fact it's not a name. It's a stupid not a name. The next person who refers to me as swarley is hereby banned from reading my blog. So from now on no more more more more swarlicious. By the power invested in me by bimbos, I hereby proclaim the death of swarley. All that is left is the awesome and Legendary BARNEY STINSON.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

The Crazy Eyes

Today, I am going to be talking about a phenomenon commonly referred to as crazy eyes. You all remember my good friend Marshall don't you. Well a couple of years ago when he broke up with Lily he met this cute girl...hmmm....I don't remember her name. Anyways the this girl was smoking hot and way out of Marshall's league. Well the only problem was this girl had the crazy eyes. Her eyes were sooo crazy. But Marshall couldn't see it because he was suffering from " Haven't been laid in a while syndrome". I and Ted taunted him day and night to leave her but he never listened. Anyway eventually he realized how crazy she was and left her. My point is no matter hot a woman may seem at first, look into her eyes and see if their crazy. I once that this french chick that had a rack the size of Marshall's head. The only problem was that she had the crazy eyes. So one minute she was taking her clothes off the next minute she was yelling at me. Another minute she was giving me a blow job the next minute she was crying her eyes out. So I had no choice but to do the only possible thing when faced with the crazy eyes..I slept with her and never called her again. Which reminds awesome.(hmmm... I wonder if I can still find her number)

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Happy Not A Father's Day

This past weekend, Lily and Marshall celebrated their anniversary. The whole ceremony got me thinking about how completely awesome I am. I started thinking to myself that Marshall will have to spend the rest of his life with the same woman and would have to have.....wait for Then I started to think about how lucky I was to be single to never have to have kids. Why would anyone in their right mind want to have kids. Marriage is for stupid and not so awesome people. You all remember what today was one year ago. It was the first ever not a father's day. Not a father's day is the celebration of freedom and the single life. It is definitely one of my personal favorite holidays of the year second only to Saint Patty's day. So my advise to you today is kids are cool for picking up chicks...but that's all. They are not cute cuddly or adorable as the world might make them seem. If you wanna be happy, don't have kids, stay single. As for all of you single guys out there...happy not a father's day.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Cheerleader Effect

Many have asked me time and time again what the cheerleader effect is exactly. Being the awesome blogger that I am, I have decided to fully explain the meaning of the cheerleader Effect. You see the cheerleader Effect is a situation in which not so hot or awesome people who do not appear hot as individuals seem hot when in a group. This is very common among cheerleaders. Hence the name; cheerleader effect. The origins of the cheerleader can be dated back many years ago when the great Barnibus Stinson( my great grand father) discovered the Bro code. Since then the cheerleader effect has evolved in different shapes and sizes. Among some very poplar examples of the cheerleader effect are; the Brazilian soccer team of the 1990's, the cheerleding team of oklahama state football team, the spice girls, and believe it or not....the pussycat dolls. It was only in the late 1990's that some very few cases of the cheerleader effect in men were observed. Some common examples are the England football team and President Clinton's Cabinet. I myself have been victim to the cheerleader effect quite a number of times so my advise is, the next time you see a bunch of hot looking women at a bar, take a good look at them one by one.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Don`t Get Married

If there`s one thing you ever going to learn from my blog one of the most important us never ever ever ever get MARRIED. Marriages are the exact opposite of awesomeness. The only thing worse than being married is being canadian...wait...i take that back. Nothing is worse than being canadian. Anyways you see the thing people don`t understand is that marriages does not give you free sex. If you want free sex just put on a suit and go to a bar. Believe when I say Love does not conquer all. Love conquers nothing. To me Marriage is simply this stupid thing that people do as an excuse to get divorced and give away half their stuff a few years later. When you`re married you literally stop having sex. Take my not so awesome friend Marshall. Now Marshall is married to a little red head thing name called Lily. Do you know what Marshall spends his Friday Nights doing....not having sex or at the very best having sex with the very same sily old red head. And do you know what I do on friday Nights, I am busy sleeping with hot bimbos. What can I say..Bimbos make me happy. Their hot, stupid As far as am concerned the only good reason to get married is if you`re canadian and you need an American Greencard. So my point is simple...don`t get Married!

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Bro Code

A fan of mine recently sent me a letter asking me to explain the bro code. So I have taken time out by busy schedule of awesomeness to explain a few of the rules in the bro code.

1. No sex with your bro's ex. (I know I broke this one but in my defense Robin's that dosen't really count.

No sex with with your bro's mother. Unless she intiates it and/or wears a leopard birthday suit.

3. No eye contact in a devil's three-way(a tricycle with two dudes)

4. A bro is not required to remember another bro's birthday. Though a phone call every now and then wouldn't kill him

5. Even in a drought, a bro flushes twice.

6. A bro is required to go out with his bro on Saint Patrick's and other official bro holidays including haloween, new year's day and desperation day.( February 13th)

7. A bro never reveals the score a sports event unless that bro has thrice confirmed he wants to hear it.

8. A bro is required at all times to say yes.

9. A bro is required to alert another bro in time of a girl fight.

10. A bro must always post bail for another bro unless it's out of state or crazy expensive.

This are only a few of the rules in the bro. More of them will be posted on my awesome blog in the future.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

How Old Am I?

This past weekend, me and best friend/wing man Ted Mosby went to this college party downtown. Ted being his lame and not so awesome self started yapping to me about how I couldn't have sex with an underage because of this statutory rape thingy. Then the question hit me..How Old am I? And I don't mean how old it says on my birth certificate cos that dosen't really matter. Take David Beckham for example, his birth certificate probably says he over thirty right? But he could pass for a twenty five year old. And then there's the seventeen year old singer sean kingston but I personally think he looks thirty. Any ways so in the party am just looking around and then I see a cute little asian chick. Then I walk up to her and ignite...wait for it..."the am a new exchange student whose lost but secretly wants to get in your pants plan". Also conveniently known as the Dexter effect. You see the thing about the DEXTER effect is that only some one as smart and cunning as I.. Barney Stinson..can pull off such a great plan. So we start talking, I buy her a drink and then I tell her am twenty seven. All off of sudden she starts laughing uncontrollably like she doesn't believe me. And then am like "How old do you think I am?". And she says to me in this high crisp tone and is her voice " twenty at most". And then it hits me. While my birth certificate might say otherwise a I am only twenty in sex years. Long story short, I took her to my place and we did it in my shower. Anyways the morals of this story you should go out and figure out your sex age...true story.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Barney's Pop Quiz

Being the awesome person that I am, I have taken time out from my extremely busy schedule to make this pop quiz so you can figure how awesome you are.

1. You've just had sex with a beautiful french woman. What do you do next?
A. Ask her out again.
B. Have sex with her again and never call her again.
C. Tell her you love her.

2. You're at a bar. Which will you rather have sex with?
A. A canadian chick named Robin.
B. Two average looking twin sisters.
C. A really hot mexican model.

3. You're going to a beach party with lots of hot chicks. What do you wear to the party?
A. Go topless and show off your abs.
C. Go in a pair of jeans and top.


If all your answers were B, then you're awesome. If not then you're lame. But lucky for you lame people am awesome and am gonna teach you how to live.

My Video Resume

My Weekend Fan Mail

My awesome fans have sent me a bunch of letters. And as I promised when I started this blog.. am gonna teach you how to live.

fan mail no. 1

Hi barney, there's this girl i've been dating for about two years now. She smart, beautiful and has all the qualities I love in a woman. Am twenty five years old and I've been thinking of asking her to marry me. How exactly do you think I should do this?

from Jeff in new york

Barney says:

Nooooooo!!!. If there's anything you will ever learn from reading my blog. This is definitely one of the most important;..never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever get MARRIED!!. Well don't get me wrong marriages are canna awesome. I mean you get meet all these desperate horny single chicks and stuff and is too short for you to be stuck with one woman all your life. Don't get married Jeff just remain awesome like me.

fan mail no. 2
Hi Barney, am a twenty five year old guy from texas. There's this really cute girl from my home town I like. I've been trying to get her to go out with me for a while now but no luck. Is there any advice you can give me to get her to go out with me.
from Steve in Texas

Barney says
Well steve, the first advice I can give you is SUIT UP. Suits are awesome just look at my pictures. The second advice will be that you have to make her want you you. One way you can do that will be giving her and complementary insult like "you would look a lot more beautiful if you had smaller teeth". And the most important advice would be bang her and never see her again..Hi 5!.

fan mail no. 3
Hi barney, am a twenty year old guy from new jersey. The thing is i've been trying to get a job for a long time with no luck. Any advice on getting it?
from John in new jersey.

Barney says
You need to make a cool video resume like mine. I will post my resume so you can see what I mean..and remember....stay awesome.

Friday, July 17, 2009

My Best Kooga

It was a sunny saturday afternoon. I had finally cured my disgusting feelings for that crazy canadian chick Robin. Ted had just told me about this new client he had who was always complaining to him about about his newest project. Anyways Ted challenged me to hook up with so she could be you know...nicer. Anyways so Ted takes me over to her place introduces me as his executive assistant. Well obviously she's surprised that am his assistant since am so suited up but what surprises me the most is that she is...wait for it...a kooga. You all know what a kooga is right? Well for most of you who don't, a kooga is an older woman in her forty's or fifty's who looks hot. Among the characteristics of a kooga are nice boobs (to seduce her prey), long feminine nails (to pounce on her prey) and like I said earlier a kooga is always between forty to fifty. She's not so old for you to hate but just old enough that you KNOW it's a kooga. Any ways to this Ted's kooga is called Sarah. She's about fourty two, nice boobs, long legs. I tell her my name is Eric Gary. So Ted goes on and starts talking about all this architectural bull shit. At the same time I can't take my eyes off this Kooga's boobs. After about an hour of architectural yapping Ted and I start to head towards the door. But as we start leaving, Sarah the Kooga calls me back and tells me to wait. Ted gives me a quick thumbs up and walks away. Well as I seat down with what`s her name..Sarah am thinking that maybe she likes me or something. But it turns out this blonde bimbo thinks am a good executive assistance and wants to hire me can you imagine that...Anyways after the meeting I go to tell Ted about what happened between me and the kooga. Anyways It turns out this Kooga chick wants to meet me over for dinner at her place to discuss hiring me as her executive assistant. So anyways Ted convinces me to go so am like okay whatever. So I go over to her place and I knock on the door but when she opens the door I see that she`s wearing the half naked lingerie thing. Before I can say anything she drags and we have sex then and there. Anyway I pulled and all-nighter and after that...well let`s just say Ted`s job became a lot easier. So once again I Barney Stinson tamed the kooga and I have the slides to prove it....true story.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

The Best Bank In The World

For all your needs in banking and finance there's only one bank you can rely, it's goliath national bank. This bank is Legen..wait for it..Dary!