So I was walking out of the bar with Ted and Marshall last week when all of a sudden I spot this super hot blonde chick by side walk. So I called Dibs on her just in case Ted wanted her too. Then all of a sudden Ted yells "SHOTGUN!". And am like "Hey Ted but I called Dibs already". But then Ted starts yapping about how shotgun trumps dibs (which is not true) while Marshall just stands there with a stupid smirk on his face looking at the both of us. So we both decided to let it go and forget about the blonde chick after-all Article 1 of the bro code clearly states; "Bros before Hoes". So then last night am going over to Ted's apartment and guess who I saw in the lobby....Ted talking to the hot blonde chick we had argued about. Turns out she lives in his apartment building and he didn`t even tell me. When he gets back upstairs to his apartment we start arguing about it but then Marshal says "You guys are being immature. Lets have a race in the swimming pool to settle this. If Ted wins he gets the blonde chick...whatever her name is. If Barney wins he gets her but if I win no one gets her". And to that I immediately replied "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!". Now listen to this guys, if there is one important lesson you learn today. Let it be this; Never ever ever ever ever ever ever turn down a Challenge. Simply because awesome people don`t turn down challenges. And although you may not be nearly as awesome as I am (obviously), the fact that you are reading my blog means that have some amount of awesomeness inside you. But anyways back to the story. So we`re heading over to the swimming pool in our swimming trunks when Lily decides to follow us and take a picture of us after the race and then edit it with a picture of Michael Phelps and his teammates. Am not gonna even bother telling you who won because the picture speaks for itself but I will say this though; awesome people rarely lose challenges....and am awesome.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Hello, my dear awesome blog readers, this is the Barnicle speaking. Today we are gonna be talking about something very very important...threesomes. Now we all know what threesomes are. Today am gonna be talking about what not to do. Lets take Mike for example. Mike is 28, average looking and not nearly as awesome as me. Mike walks into a bar and he sees two hot chicks let's call them Stacy and Tiffany. Mike makes sure he isn't been deceived by the cheerleader effect and two minutes later he has two chicks making out with him at the back of a taxi on the way to his apartment...and yes it happens that fast. So now his thinking about what's gonna happen back at his apartment, cos now his dealing with sets of boobs and two lips. He gets to his apartment and doesn't know who to kiss first but the answer is simple..none. That brings me to rule number one. Never ever ever ever ever make out with one before the other. You absolutely have to let them make out with each other first before you make out with one of them otherwise you risk one of them feeling less important than the other. But Mike doesn't know this...you know why...BECAUSE HE DOESN'T READ MY BLOG. So he kisses Stacy first and then Tiffany gives him this "look" and he freaks out. So he tries to make up for it by kissing Tiffany longer than he kissed Stacy and before he knows it Stacy suddenly remembers that she has a "meeting" and has to be up by eight tomorrow and then Tiffany leaves with her because she needs to see the "doctor" tomorrow morning. So instead of having a threesome Mike stays up all night watching his new porn movie "Wet Sweaty Boobs Volume seven". So guys I think we've all learnt an important lesson today. Never kiss one girl before the other before they kiss themselves, and more importantly ALWAYS READ MY BLOG!
Posted by John Doe at 3:06 PM
Sunday, June 20, 2010
I've been in south africa with Ted and Robin for the world cup all week so i haven't had time to write in my blog. The reason I've been here is obvious...its the soccer world cup. But one might ask " But Barney, you don't like soccer". Trueeee....buttt believe me when I say the soccer world cup is one of the best ways to picking up chicks. And if u are as awesome as I am [which of course you're not] you would take full advantage of it. Am pretty sure you're all aware I am still trying to have sex with at least one woman from every country in the world and where better to meet women from different parts of the world other than the world cup. Now here are some tips to picking up chicks at the world cup;
(1.) Learn the game of soccer, you're gonna need to know about offsides, free kicks and all that other nonsense. Now I know what you're thinking....its boring, trust me I know but its very useful for making conversation.
(2) Post game parties. You're gonna wanna hit on chicks from countries that lost. Basically cos chicks get really depressed when their teams losses. And there's no better solution to depression other than the Barnicle himself..[virtual Hi-5].
Well I've got to go now Spain just lost to Switzerland and there's this Spanish chick I met last night....[oh wait..what was her name again?]. Anyways I'll give you more tips later..
Posted by John Doe at 12:07 PM
Monday, February 15, 2010
Hey awesome blog-readers. I've decided to take some time from my awesome life to write into my awesome blog. As you probably already knew, I very nearly got fired last week. But then my employers realized how awesome I am and decided to promote me instead. But on a more important note, I finally did something that even some of the greatest players in history haven't been able to achieve...a perfect week. Yes gentlemen, I Barney Stinson finally achieved a perfect week. For my less awesome blog readers who do not know what a perfect week is... a perfect week is achieved when an awesome individual (in this case me) has one night stands with seven consecutive women in seven consecutive days. The term "Perfect week" was first coined by Alexander the Great after completing the incredible achievement himself thousands of years ago. Among other notable people who accomplished this include George Washington, and most recently Tiger Woods(..that guy's awesome). Accomplishing the feat wasn't very easy. Take a look at how the first day went:
Down at McClarens, it's about nine in the evening and this really cute blonde at the bar keeps looking back at me. So I walk up to her and I ask.."What are you drinking?"...She smiles and seductively leans towards me and whispers.."My apartment is about five minutes away from here". And five minutes later, we were at her apartment doing something which happens to be illegal in four states....am awesome.
Posted by John Doe at 6:11 AM