Monday, August 24, 2009

The Amature's guide to Picking up chicks (Lesson 1)

Am awesome(but you already knew that). In my years on this earth, I have had sex with well over 200 women, 20% of which are celebrities, and all of which are hot. Every where I go people keep asking "Barney, how do you do it" So now, I have decide to give a few tips to help less awesome people pick up chicks

Step 1: Suit up! This is probably one of the most important steps of all. Suits are awesome, suits are cool. Am exhibit A. But one important thing to note is that all suits are not equal. Take me for example. My cheapest suit is a $2500 italian suit. It's important to buy quality suits only. Also, Never ever ever ever ever wear a black suit with brown shoes, that is a big fashion harzard.

Step 2: Never underestimate the power of alcohol! Alcohol is awesome. Every day in bars all around the U.S, sexy young women get drunk. Women always talk about the mistakes they make by sleeping with strangers when they are could be that stranger.

Step 3: Find a good wing man! Wing men are very important to picking up chicks. Having a good wingman can make a difference between riding a tricycle or riding a unicycle (If you know what I mean). The best wing men are actually homosexuals. Homosexuals are absolute chick magnets. Chicks love them! They share a love of fashion and women are always comfortable around them because they can be sure that homosexuals are not trying to get into their pants.

Step 4: Location! Location! Location! People think bars are the only place for picking up chicks. Wrong!!! Go to hardware stores, movie thearters, malls, yoga classes and even hospitals. These are just a few steps. I will post some others later and remember......nothing and everything, is possimpleble.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

I am not your therapist....

I am not your therapist. I am not a psychologist either. I am simply a really awesome guy who basically teaches people how to live. I opened my fan mail recently and what I found was really disturbing. Some guy asked me what he needed to do to get over his dog's death. Another one asked me for the best way to get over his cheating girlfriend. Now let me make this clear for all of you. I am not your therapist. Anyways beside the really annoying emails I have taken time out to reply to some of the recent fan mail I got.

Dear Barney,
I've just been offered a job in New york, but if I take the job and leave New Jersey that means I would have to break up with my girlfriend whom I love so much. Please tell me what to do.
From Eric

Barney says: Eric....have I taught you nothing! Girlfriends are overrated. My advice is clear and simple. Get the hell out of New jersey and move to New york. New york is awesome plus their a lot of way hotter girls than your "girlfriend"

Dear Barney,
I met this really cute girl that I really want to bang. The only problem is....she's canadian. What should I do?
from Peter

Barney says: Well the answer is simple. BANG HER! There's nothing wrong with having sex with canadians. I myself have been involved in several canadian sex acts with quite a number of canadians and believe me, they make up in bed for what they lack in everything else.

Dear Barney,
I just got this really great promotion but the job is in canada. Should I take it?
from Tom

Barney says: Absolutely not. Canada is not nearly as awesome as the states and if you take the job I will officially ban you from reading my awesome blog.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

A golden rule you must never forget.....

Someone recently asked me " Barney when exactly should I call a girl to ask her out after getting her number?". The answer is simple. Remember when I told you guys about the "three day rule", well the truth is that deciding when to call a girl is a lot more complicated than waiting for three days. Today am going to me teaching you about one of the golden rules when it comes to calling a woman and it's simple "Never ever ever ever ever ask a woman out to lunch if you think you can get her to sleep with you on the fist date" The reasons are simple. No woman does one night stands in the afternoon. This being because women are not that horny in the day. I mean they have been some exceptions. There was this one time when I banged Ted's Doctor's secretary during broad day light. But that's just because am awesome. Not many people are nearly as awesome as I am. Another reason for this Golden Rule is most women are not intoxicated during the day, at night however women get drunk and can easily be taken advantage of. Don't get me wrong, it is still possible to bang a woman when she is completely sober but a lot easier when she's at least a little bit drunk. Finally, I think the most important reason for this rule is when you bang a woman at night, she can fall asleep therefore giving you the chance to get out before she wakes up. On the other hand a woman who has been banged during the day is very alert. And remember guys it's called one night stand not one day stand.


YES!!!! Ted and his girlfriend have finally broken up. And believe it or not I had absolutely nothing to do with it. Ted told me why they broke up but there's no way in hell and would actually remember what he said. Well I finally have a cool bro to hang out with. And tomorrow night is going to be Legendary! I actually bought a new suit just for this special occasion. Sometimes people ask me why do I need a wing man in picking up chicks. But the truth is the more awesome you are the greater your need for a wing man. The first Wing man in history can be dated back to the time when Barnibus Stinson and his cousin went to a bar in New york to pick up chicks. Some of the famous Wing men in history include George Washington and Benjamin Franklin, as well as Brad Pitt and George Clooney. I have had my share of famous Wing Men including Vinnie Chase, Brody Jenner, and even Nick Lachey. None of them have ever been as good as my best friend Ted Mosby. I suggest to all of you out there, if you are ever lucky enough to find that great wing man....never let him go.

Monday, August 17, 2009

The truth behind the Naked man...

Many people have asked me "Oh Barney, how do you make the naked man work?" And I think it's time I reveal the truth behind the naked man. As most of you already know, the naked man remained a mystery to me until about two years ago when "he" came to me. "He"(as I refer to him) was not very good looking neither was he very bright but he pulled off the naked man on Robin.The true origins of the naked man can be traced back to many years ago when the great Barnibus Stinson successfully seduced a female senator by using the naked man. Now one thing you need to remember is that the Naked Man will only work two out of three times. I have taken time out of my busy schedule of awesomeness to give you some basic tips to making the naked man a success.

1. Timing : The Naked man is only used as a last resort. So be sure to time your move. Wait till your partner is away. Make any excuse you can to give your self enough time to undress yourself.

2. The Pose: One of the most important things to note is the pose. The pose can basically determine the outcome of the naked man. A bad pose can really ruin things. Some of the really good poses you can make include the am so surprise pose and the superman pose. The am so surprised pose involves you basically opening your mouth as though you're completely surprised, while the superman pose involves you standing with both your arms folded across your chest as though you were superman.

3. Keep it Standing: I advise that you keep...."little junior down there" standing when she walks in. This makes her more aware about your intentions and studies have shown that 80% of women in America are impressed by this. I think keeping it standing is really important because let's be honest little junior can't do his job lying down.

4. Size Matters: Anyone who has ever told you that size doesn't matter is a big liar. Size does matter. Unfortunately this is an area you have very little control over. My advice is if you are a little unfortunate in this area, you focus on other areas to help you with the naked man. For all of you reading this, I encourage you to try the naked man...and may the force of the naked man be with you.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Guess who's on my bed right now......

Well am sitting beside my bed right now. And guess who's sleeping here beside me....wait for it...Ted's girlfriend's sister. Am so awesome I don't even remember her name. Well I told you guys about how I thought Ted's girlfriend was hitting on me and how it turned out that it was actually her sister, well right now let's just say there's a new addition to my personal "banged list". So anyway I just wrote a note for her to read when she wakes up. Here take a look.

Dear Residence Am sorry to leave you hanging, but the President just called my cell phone and I have to leave for Iraq for some awesome super secret mission. Yes, I am actually a highly trained General for the 24th regiment. Last night was awesome and I especially love what you did with your hips. Thanks for a great night.....from Barney.

There's nothing better than a one night stand with a sexy woman. And if I've learned anything from this experience it's awesome.

Friday, August 14, 2009

You won`t belive what I just found out.....

You guys remember when I told you about how Ted's girlfriend tried to seduce me. Of course you do you read my blog everyday. Well I hadn't made up my mind about whether to tell ted about it or not. So I decided to talk to Lily and Marshal about it and you know ask for some advice. So am at the McClarens with Lily and Marshal telling them about what happened with me and Ted`s girlfriend or rather what almost happened and all of a sudden they start laughing. And am like ``What`s so funny about that``. And Lily says ``You`ll see soon enough`` And like five minutes later Ted walks in all smiling and everything. And he says ``Hey Barney I hear you`ve met Cindy, Karen sister``. And Lily and Marshal start laughing again. After they finally stopped laughing. They explained everything to me. It turns out the girl I met in Ted`s apartment was actually his girlfriend`s.....wait for it.....identical twin sister. Can you believe that! So I practically turned down a good set of tits for no good reason. Apparently now Cindy thinks am gay for turning her down. Can you believe that! Am the most straight person in the world. By mere statistics alone I don`t think there`s a strighter man on the planet. So now am on my way to Ted`s place to try to seduce this Cindy person...damn I`ve never been this angry since I found out my accountant was canadian.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I swear this just happened...

So it's just about five o' clock in the afternoon and just finished work at Goliath National Bank. By the way I just got promoted to senior manager. So anyway I told you guys how I've been having problems finding a good bro since Ted started hanging out with his new girlfriend. So I decided to go talk to him about it, you know ask him to break up with his girlfriend and all. Remember the bro code, Article 49, bros before hoes. So am at Ted's place waiting for him to come back from work when his girlfriend walks into his apartment. And she says "Oh hi Barney, Ted will be here in a few minutes". I ignore her of course. I mean the last thing I want to do is make friends with the enemy after all she's trying to steal my best friend. So she walks away to her room. So like five minutes later she walks back into the living room in this hot seductive dress and am thinking to myself "how come I never noticed Ted's girlfriend has such a great ass. No wonder he dosen't want to hang out with me". So just when am thinking about going home she comes in with a glass of scotch and says "Hey Barney. I know how HARD you are I mean how hard you've been working" Then she winks at me. And am like "Are you flirting with me?" and then she says "When am flirting with you you'll know". Then I stand up to start walking out of the apartment when she takes her top off and out comes this huge set of beautiful breasts. Before I can say anything she pushes me down on the couch and askes me to take my clothes off. So I panicked and ran out of the apartment like I was being chased by the mexican mafia. That was the first time I ever turned down such a good looking set of tits before. While one part of my brain was saying "BANG HER, BANG HER" Another part was saying "Ted's your bestfriend and this is his girlfriend" I mean I can't blame her for trying to have sex with I mean look how good looking I am plus I wear a suit. I haven't made up my mind whether to tell Ted about it or not right now am still shock. Well I guess that's what you get for being as awesome as I am.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Guess who I did last night........

It was just after midnight. So I made a call to this nurse/college student that I met a few weeks ago. Like I've said before, the later the time of the day the less words you have to say when making a booty call. So basically when this nurse/college student picked up the phone (by the way her name was Karen). All I had to say was; "you busy" and when she said no I said "McClarens in half an hour" and I hung up. So anyway she calls about twenty minutes later and tells me that her best friend just broke up with her boyfriend so she needs to hang out with her and try and make her feel better. The average guy will take this as a no and spend the night alone. But being the great Barnicle that I am I saw this as a not so obvious opportunity to ride...wait for it...the tricycle. The tricycle is sometimes referred to as a threesome or "La trois" in french. So anyway I told Karen that I was a professional relationship expert and that I could help her friend out. So she sent me her address and s0 I got to her place about twenty minutes later. Surprisingly, her friend was a lot hotter than she was. So anyway I start working my charm telling her about how she was too good for her boyfriend blah blah blah. When she finally stopped crying, I was just about to move up to step two, body contact when out of nowhere Karen asked " Hey Barney, would like to sex with the both of us. Threesomes always cheers us up after a breakup". Long story short, let's just say her indecent proposal was met with multiple entries. Anyway the lesson of this story is this never take no for an answer. If there's a suit, there's a way.

Monday, August 10, 2009

A time for Reflection

Am still working on a plan to break Ted and his girlfriend up. I've thought about seducing her or getting someone to do it for me, but I didn't want to break the bro code. Any way the recent events in my life have made me reflect more on myself. I now find myself asking " Do I do enough?" Do I watch porn enough, Do I wear suits enough and most importantly, Do I have sex enough? My dear fellow Americans, I encourage all of you to reflect on your lives. Do you wake up to the same woman every morning? or a to a different bimbo every morning? If your answer is yes to the first question then you are a complete idiot and I here by ban you from ever reading my blog again. If your answer is yes to the second question....then you're just awesome. America was built on a foundation of bimbos. No bimbos in bars would be like no alcohol at bars or no suits at the shopping mall. They complete this great country and make it what it is today. I encourage all of you to rise up and have sex with as many bimbos as you can find. People may tell you it is impossible but I the Barnicle tells you it is possible. I want each and everyone of you to go towards a point in life where the possible and the impossible meet....the possimpleble. The is is a place where very few men have ever reached. So what is the possimpleble? Instead of giving you a definition I would prefer to give you a pure and simple example. Banging the waitress at your favourite bar....possible. Banging a famous celebrity.....for some people impossible. The Possimpleble is where these two things meet. The possimpleble in this case will be banging a famous waitress. Get it. If I can leave you with one thought today my dear blog readers.....nothing and everything is possimpleble.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Am Breaking Up Ted And His Girlfriend

My dear blog readers, It's no longer news that Brody and I are no longer bros. That being because he broke one of the most sacred rules of the bro code. Article 51, bro before hoes. So any way I am officially broless now. Well the real big problem is that Ted and his stupid girlfriend have been hanging out way too much. I mean it's like I don't even exist any more. The other night I walked in on them making out. I asked Ted to follow me down to McClarens to act as my wing man. And guess what....he turned me down because apparently it's was their stupid anniversary. Can you believe that? He would rather hang out with his girlfriend than help me pick up chicks on his anniversary for that stupid! So anyway folks i've finally made up my mind to break Ted and his girlfriend up. I know it sounds extreme but it's for Ted's good. I mean, if I don't break them up now they could end up married and have kids. Why spend your life with one woman when you can have them all? Why have kids when you can be awesome like me? Anyway am off to finish making my plan for Ted and "what's her name" to break up. Wish me luck.

Am Breaking up Ted and his girlfriend


Friday, August 7, 2009

Brody comes to town...

So I told you guys about how me and Vince Chase gotten into a fight and are no more bros. Well Ted's been busy with his new girlfriend so I needed a new wing man. This time I was definitely not going to go with that guy that bleeds from his nose and Marshall was too busy being....married. So anyways I heard that my old buddy Brody was in town, apparently he was in for a meeting about getting on a new show. So I decided to give him a call to meet me up at McClarens. The only small problem with that was that Brody is kind of a celebrity and also I personally feel he sometimes earns some undeserved attention. But lucky for someone like me am also kind of a celebrity because of my blog which readers like you just can't get enough of. So it's just around ten at night and I meet up with Brody over at McClarens. He isn`t suited up, but he`s always been okay without a suit so I ignore that. ``Hey Barney`` he says to me when he sees me. So I say `` Am ok man. It`s nice to see you after so long``. So we order a couple of beers and after getting just a little bit drunk we get down to business. But before Brody can start performing his full duties as my official wing man, some hot blonde chick with crazy eyes comes over to our table and whispers something into brody`s ear. All of sudden Brody starts leaving and I ask him `` Hey man where you going so soon`` and his like`` sorry bro, this chick just told me she`ll like to have sex with me. see you later``. What a stupid idiot! Stupid celebrities, they think they own the place. Whatever happened to the strong ties of broness. Whatever happened wing men helping each other out. The bro code clearly states ``Bros before hoes``. Brody was in direct violation of the bro code. He isn`t my bro, he`s just an overpaid celebrity with horny hot groupees. Anyways that`s all in the past. I guess I`ll be flying solo for a while.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Guess who sent me a text...

Well it turns out Vinnie Chase knows a friend who knows a friend who's got a gun. So this "friend" sent me a text message. It kind of looks like this

Hey Barney, I know who you are. If you ever disrespect my friend Vinnie chase, I'll cut off your balls and feed them to my dog bruno. I know where you live and if you fuck with me I'll shoot your legs off.

A regular person would be frightened by this. But not me. Am pretty damn sure this is just some stupid dumbass prank by Joey or maybe even Vince. I showed the message to Ted and he thinks I should call the cops but I think that's exactly what Vince wants me to do. It's just amazing how this whole thing could escalate to stupid childish threats. Any way I don't care about that. But just for insurance am thinking of becoming bros with Brody. Apparently he had a fight with the dude that won his "Bromance" show so now they're not speaking. I mean Ted is a great bro but he's always too busy with this his new girlfriend Mariam or something but Brody has all the connections plus he reads my blog. Anyway I've gotta go give Brody a call. And Vince..I know you're reading this you low life prick. Am awesome and you're not. So quit the stupid messages or I just might call the cops.

So Vincent Chase calls..

I told you guys about the call I received from Joey Tribbiani right. So apparently he's friends with Vincent Chase the star of Aquaman. Vince sent me a mail last week telling me about what a good job i've been doing with my blog. He said he thought I had the most interesting information on the internet ( after porn of course). In a spirit of good broness. I sent him a reply that looked something like this.
Dear Vinnie Chase,
I read your letter and I have to confess am a big fan. Aqua man was a brilliant movie and Queen's bolevard was a great movie too. I especially loved your sex scene with Scarlett Johannsen. Anyway I just wanted to say thank you for your support and from one bro to another.....good luck
From Barney Stinson

So I was thinking to myself now I've got another cool bro to hang out with whenever Ted was to busy been in a relationship or something. But surprisingly today he about how him and Joey have been bros for a really long time. He says "Joey is my man. He's like my number one wing man and I really do not appreciate you insulting him or talking crap about him. I tell him " Hey come down Vinnie it's not a big deal. I mean am also your bro too right?" "Not any more" he says. Then he bangs the phone down like some stupid idiot. So now apparently I and Vinnie Chase and his stupid entourage have a beef. But don't expect me to go making some stupid rap or some video about how he's obsessed with me. I have a lot more dignity than that. Besides am a lot more awesome than Vinnie Chase or he's gay friend Joey... I have a suit and they don't.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Joey Tribbiani Calls.....

So am sitting in my living room minding my own business when Joey (from friends) calls. And he starts yapping about how he`s got more game than me. Can you believe that! So anyway am like I`ve had sex with a lot more woman than he has (which I have). Then he says `shut up swarley, I keep hearing all this stuff on the internet about you having more game than me. It`s pissing me off and you really need to stop spreading false stories.` Then I remind him that he dosen`t even own a single suit. Not even one! Besides he could not bang Rachel. All he has is some stupid catch phrase....``how you doing``. Then he says he`s more awesome than I am. That`s when I get really mad! As you all know I Barney Stinson am the most awesome person in the world. Otherwise you wouldn`t be reading my blog. Which brings me to point number two; Joey dosen`t even have a blog. Am not even sure if he has a computer! Then he starts threatening me about how he could kick my ass and blah blah. I get angry so I hung the phone up. Can you imagine that nonsense. Joey saying he has more game than me...what a stupid moron!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Mariah Vs Eminem......Barney's Verdict

I've never really been into rap music or music as a whole, but a fan recently sent me a mail asking me for my opinion on the whole Eminem vs Mariah carey issue. Well being the great blogger that I am, I have taken some time off my busy schedule of being awesome to give my honest opinion. The first mistake Eminem made was obvious and this brings me lesson number one for today. Never ever ever ever have sex with a celebrity without making a sex tape out of it. It's the least you should get for the hard work. Nailing a celebrity requires a lot of complex strategy and technique. I would know that because I happen to have a lot of experience in it. And every now and then I watch those tapes over and over again and I think to myself " I could do really well in porn". But anyways mistake number two for Eminem was making a big deal out of the whole thing from the start. So here comes lesson number two; never ever ever ever get into a public fight with a woman ( if you're a guy). It never ends well no matter what. Whether you're right or wrong or you win or lose it's never a pretty sight. And finally I think Mariah wins this one hands down. Not only does she have really big boobs her obsessed video is classy and turned out to be quiet a hit. So sorry M&M's but this goes to Mariah (whom I have slept with by the way)

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Lily who......

So I made the incredibly huge mistake of telling Lily about that dream I had the other night. So anyways as expected she tells that big-headed pain in the ass Marshall. And now all of a sudden am "lover boy". Like that is in bad enough now I think Robin might have found out because she keeps giving me these weird looks all the time....or maybe it's because of the new suit I just got. So now am trying to put all this Robin thing behind me. I leave McClaren`s at about one in the morning. And guess who`s calling....Robin. I pinch myself just to make sure I wasn`t dreaming. She tells me to meet her at that new chinese restaurant at fifth avenue. So I ask the taxi driver to take me there. On my way there am thinking to myself `Robin hates chinese food`. When I get there guess who I see at the entrance of the Restaurant. It`s Lily and Marshall laughing at the top of their voices. Am angry as hell so I get off the taxi and yell at Lily and Marshall at the top of voice and just when their about to say what think might have been an apology, I yell again and get back into the cab. I am officially not talking to Lily or Marshal. I guess this proves that red heads can`t keep secrets.