This just in....

So am in taxi on my way back home when guess who Robin calls me. Am a bit surprised cos it's like twelve o' clock at night. So am thinking to myself "what the hell does she want". Next thing I know, she starts talking to me about how she's always had feelings for me and how she wants to do me right now on her couch. So am thinking to myself this is an opportunity to sleep to Robin again but on the other hand am thinking about the "no sex with your bro's ex" rule in the bro code. Am also thinking about how this will affect my friendship with my best friend ted. I mean the first time I had sex with Robin Ted and I got into this really huge fight about friendship and blah blah blah. It got so bad I felt like we were some old married couple or something. So anyways I decide to go over to her place to at least talk to her or something. Well when I get there she appears to be half drunk but she still looks hot as hell. She says with a seductive and inviting voice "come on in". So I walk in to her apartment and man was it a mess. She had clothes all over the place. She offers me a drink and so I take a glass of what seemed to taste like very cheap red wine. So she starts telling me about how she hasn't had sex in two months. Then all of sudden she starts crying. I try to comfort her and all of sudden she kisses me. I start taking her clothes off but all of a sudden an alarm goes off. It's coming from the clock on my bedside. I wake up. It was only a dream. I am thinking to myself what the hell does this dream mean. Well let me make this clear anyway. I am not I repeat am not in anyway in love with Robin or any woman for that matter. I am the Barnicle. The King of one night stands, the ruler of Bachelor country, the founder of not a father's day. I can never be in love. So I like being around Robin I like the way she smells, I always want to be around her and I miss her when she's gone. It dosen't mean am in love with her. Believe me when I say the Barnicle is made to be single. And to prove it to you I am going to McClarens tonight to have sex with the first bimbo I see......just after am done watching the news on metro news 1.

How Canadian are you.....

I believe that among the top five worst things that could happen to someone, being canadian tops the list. The other four things would be being in a relationship, getting married, having kids and catching the yips. I have designed a quiz that will determine how canadian you really are. Unfortunately for some of you who may test positive of canadianess, medical science is yet to create a cure for being canadian.

quiz # 1

What is your favorite sport?

A. Ice Hockey

B. American Football

C. Basketball

What is your favorite tree?

A. A maple leaf tree.

B. An orange tree.

C. Am too awesome to have a favorite tree.

Which of the following people would you rather have sex with?

A. Robin

B. Heidi Klum

C. Paris Hilton

If all your answers were A, then am afraid you a bit too much canadian. I advice to move to the states (if you don't live here) and have sex with as many American bimbos you can find. And remember never ever ever ever call them again.

Fan Mail

This week a few of my awesome blog readers sent a few letters to my fan mail inbox. Being the busy man that I am, I could have a chance to read a few of them.

fan mail #1

Hey Barney, how's it going. Am a twenty five year guy from New Jersey. The problem is my boss wouldn't ever stop yelling at me. I don't know what to do. Do I yell back at him or quit my job? Any advice.

from Andy

Dear Andy,

I think your first problem is obvious. WHAT A HELL ARE YOU DOING IN NEW JERSEY? Andy Andy Andy...come to New York. It's the city that never sleeps. As for your work problem, my advice is that you never ever ever ever yell at your boss. If you are familiar with the chain of screaming.. I mean the cycle of screaming you would realize that screaming at your boss is never a good idea. Just give it some time and you would get used to all the screaming.

fan mail # 2

Dear Barnicle, am a twenty seven year old guy from New york. Me and my wife just got divorced. I just can't stop thinking about her. Do you have any advice to help me get over her.

from John

Dear john

The solution to your problem is simple. Go to the nearest bar, bang the first hot girl you see and never call her again. Problem solved.

from Barney

fan mail # 3

Dear Barney, am a twenty two year old guy from L.A. I think I might be suffering from the Yips. I just found out that the woman I lost my virginity to had pretended because my cousion paid her. The problem is she died about a year ago so it's too late for me to try to rock her world for real. Do you have any advice for me

from Fred

Dear Fred

That's a tough one Fred. I think you should find out if she has any cousins, or sisters. I suggest

you bang as many of her sisters as you can find. Good Luck.

from Barney

The Woo girls

Every now and then I walk into a bar and look at a table filled with attractive good-looking women who woo. It fills me with joy to always know that somewhere out there is a really hot desperate woman. A fan recently sent me this mail asking what woo girls are. Well being the awesome person that I am, I've taken time out of my schedule of being awesome to explain what a woo girl really is. But the first question really is...what is a woo? A woo is characteristic sound made a young female usually between her mid to late twenties. Most woos are made over little things like when the pizza gets delivered or other things like when a model takes his shirt off. What is very common among woo girls is their desperation. Studies have shown that over 80% of woo girls are bimbos. These studies have also shown that one out of every three woo girls will sleep with you on the first date... true story. Woo girls are a gift of life itself. Most girls only become woo girls after going through certain situations like a bad break up, or when they've just lost their job or when they find out their canadian. Apart from your regular woo girls there are also the Grade B woo girls. These are not actual woo girls. These girls only woo once in a while. A good example may be Robin. Most people may wonder what to do when faced with a woo girl. But before I answer that question I think it would be important to know the history surrounding the species that is the woo girl.

It was a hot summer afternoon. The year was 1875, Professor. Barnicle Supremo was going for an expedition in a small town not far from what we now call New york City. As he strolled down, he was shocked to hear a strange but somewhat erotic sound now referred to as a woo. He searched his surroundings and when he finally found the source of this sound he was dumbfounded to realize that the sound was being made by a young and beautiful woman. Professor. Barnicle introduced himself to this woman. Her name was Garcia Lopez. And do you know what Prof. Barnicle did? He slept with her and never called her again. This coincidentally was the same day the "one night stand" was invented. Two years later Professor. Barnicle was awarded a nobel prize for his article on the woo girls. So you see my dear awesome blog readers, when faced with a woo girl just sleep with her and never call her again.....true story.

I Have A Dream....

My dear fellow Americans, It is with great awesomeness that I write this letter. Many years ago the great Martin Luther King wrote a letter quite similar to mine but a lot less awesome. But I write today to tell you ladies and gentlemen that I, the Barnicle, have a dream today. I have a dream that one day from the city that is new york and the wonderful place that is Atlantic City will have bimbos will wear thongs all day long. I have dream today. I have a dream that one day the mistake that is canada will simply....seize to exist. I have a dream today. I have a dream that all the great children of the land that is America, our children that the future and hope of this country will realize how silly and stupid marriage really easy and abolish it for all eternity. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day the institution that is our congress will realize the tremendous importance of the bro code and make it a part of the constitution. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day condoms will be made better thereby giving 100% protection. I have a dream today. But my dear fellow Americans it is only a dream. For this dream to become a reality we must rise up in this harsh times that is our economy. And in the words of the great man Barrack Obama...Yes we can.

How Hot Are You?

Being the awesome blogger that I am I have designed this Hotness quiz to help my awesome readers find out how hot they really are. This four questions have been carefully designed to help less awesome people (you...no offense) determine how attractive or unattractive they really are.

Question Number 1

1. When you walk into a room full of chicks what do you do?

A. Sit alone with your lame wife

B. Hit on the hottest girl in the bar

C. Stay alone and wait for someone to hit on you

2. You're in a room alone with Scarlett johanssen..what do you do?

A. You joggle

B. You perform a really cool magic trick.

C. You ask for her autograph

3. You just had sex with a hot blonde chick?

A. You ask her out again.

B. You sneak out and never call her again.

C. You ask her to marry you.

4. You're really sad..what do you do?

A. You cry about it.

B. You stop being sad and be awesome instead.

C. You just keep being sad.

If your answers were all B then you are smoking hot. If not then you're not hot. I suggest you get a suit and sleep with some bimbos. That always helps....true story.