The Interrogation Room

Bros,
In my prolific life as the ultimate bro, I’ve often found myself stuck inside a place I’d rather not be. (And I’m not talking about that Persian lady. You know who you are, K. Kardashian.)

I’m talking about interrogation rooms. If you’re ever being held in a backroom, ask them to point to the specific rule that prevents your actions. Trust me: It always works. Here are some instances where rules have been created solely because of something I’ve done…

“No Llamas at Sea World.”
So I was talking to this chick at MacLaren’s a couple years back and she was a marine biologist. I thought, “Okay great; I have scuba gear at home, this is going to be easy.” What I didn’t know: She was only a marine biologist because she flunked out of veterinary school. (Sidebar: Flunked out of veterinary school? How hard is it to memorize, “Bring in some of your pet’s poop and I’m gonna trim their nails.) Apparently she’s always had a fascination with llamas. I, on the other hand, have always had a fascination with doing it up against the shark tank while those majestic sons-of-bitches swim by. Long story short, she snuck us into Sea World, I called my llama guy, and the rest is history. (It’s not my fault llamas can’t swim or defend themselves.)

“No Sex in the Bathroom.”
This sign has actually been erected, and I do mean erected, in several hundred places in Manhattan. You wouldn’t believe how angry people get when they walk into the bathroom and see me nailing their girlfriend and/or wife. They’re horrified. It’s not like we’re doing it in the handicap stall! (Sidebar: The actual sidebar in the handicap stall actually provides a way to get a ton of torque.)

“No Spiking the Gatorade Cooler with Everclear at a Major Sports Event to Ensure Your Points Spread.”
This is just a ridiculous rule. So what if 7 people went to the hospital… I lost 15 bucks!

“No Fireworks in the Guggenheim.”
Since when is it illegal to take a smoking hot French chick to the Guggenheim, pose as great grandson Ziggy Guggenheim, and light fireworks in the atrium so that this, and I’ll again reiterate, smoking hot French chick, would do it under a Picasso? You win this time, Guggenheim Security… but Ziggy Guggenheim will be back.

“Do Not Pretend Your Personal Laser Tag Gun is a Real Gun.”
So I’m with this girl who thinks I’m a bank robber. Obviously, if I’m going to get her in the mood, I need to rob a bank. It’s not like it was a real gun! It was a laser tag gun! I will say this, GNB should know better. Why would their “Director of INFORMATION REMOVED” ever rob his OWN bank? That’s just ridiculous.

LETTER TO THE CANADIAN OLYMPIC DEPARTMENT

Dear International Olympic Canadian Department of Olympics,

It has come to my attention that you have disqualified Robin Scherbatsky from pole vault competition because she is too tall.  Come on, Canada.  This is the kind of backwards decision-making that leads to mounted police, poutine, and automatic weapons restrictions.  Simply bananas.

Height should not be a mitigating factor when it comes to Robin’s eligibility.  We’re talking about a chick who knows her way around a pole.  Trust me.  Girl can handle the biggest, longest, girthiest, beacon-like, unforgettable pole you throw at her.  If you don’t believe me, I’ve got video.  And as far as being flexible enough to arch her back enough to clear the bar?  No worries there, bro.  Lastly, if you really can’t bend on the height restriction at least let her give it a go on her knees… I think you’ll find she’s a champ down there.

You should also know that ever since you’ve disqualified her, Robin has been super bummed.  And if you’re wondering whether she’s bummed about anything else you can simply throw those doubts out your stupid Canadian window.  There’s simply nothing else at play here regarding her depression.  What she’s upset about is how you’ve forbidden her to vault poles in international competition, and certainly not about having a pregnancy scare after cheating on her boyfriend with me.  Like I said, pole vaulting.  Nothing else.

The point is you’d be lucky to have Robin join your Olympic pole vaulting outfit.  She’s smart, funny, beautiful, loves cigars, pretends to enjoy laser tag enough… What more could you ever want in a girl?  She would bring so much joy to your life.  You’d suddenly feel a compulsion to be the best person you could be.  Imagine waking up every morning to that smile?  And that little half-laugh, half-snort she does when you say something stupid?  What I’m trying to say is that Robin is a fantastic pole vaulter.

I very much appreciate your time, even though as a Canadian it simply isn’t worth that much.

Americanly Yours,

Barney Stinson

The great Barndini

POOF! The Great Barndini returns! Today, as always, I’m here to educate you in the field of chick-pickuppery. But this time I’ve got a little something up my sleeve. Well, it’s not that little. It’s actually a decent size. I mean, it’s not gonna win any contests, but it’s not like you need a microsco– SILENCE!

As I was saying… If there’s one thing ladies love more than Cool J, it’s a magician. That’s just science. So what better way to reach their heart and underpants than through their mind? Today, I will teach you one of the greatest sleights of hand in the history of prestidigitation. But first, you must know that every magic trick contains four parts:

PREPARATION
PERFORMANCE
MISDIRECTION
GETTING LAID

That last one is super important. I really can’t stress that enough. Just follow these simple instructions and you’re on your way to sawing your lady in half. So to speak.

“THE SPONGE”

PREPARATION

1. Find a clean coffee mug.
2. Place a dry dish sponge at the bottom of the mug so it fits nice and snug. (Hehe, snug.)
3. Drop two ice cubes on top of the sponge.
4. Fill a small glass with cold water and set aside.

PERFORMANCE

5. Find a foxy female spectator.
6. Tell her to turn around. Lookin’ good back there? Great, you may continue.
7. Make some small talk (patter) to put her at ease. Gently rub her neck if you have to.
8. Pour the water into the coffee mug.

MISDIRECTION

9. By now, the sponge should have absorbed all of the water, but left the ice cubes intact.
10. Wave your fingers over the mug, say some naughty magic words, and slowly turn the mug upside down, pouring the ice cubes onto the table. You’ve made the water disappear!
11. Take a bow, give your lady a wink, and escort her to the bedroom.

GETTING LAID

12. Dim the lights, turn on the video camera and ask her to presto chango out of her clothes.
13. Now make something else disappear.
14. Applause.

Hard to get

If you read my blog often, or simply live on this planet, you know that 100% of ladies play “hard-to-get.” Recently, my best friend Ted and I found ourselves in an uncomfortable situation: a beautiful girl at the bar was stroking his arm and looking deep into his eyes, but the straw in her drink was pointing towards me. To a trained seduction artist like myself, it was obvious that this girl was teasing me with a classic game of “hard-to-get,” while poor Ted was playing his own classic game of “gettin’ hard”, a game he only plays with himself.

Here are ten other instances in which it may appear that a girl is uninterested, but is actually just playing “hard-to-get.”

1. If she tells you she’s “married.”
This is chick-code for “I haven’t done it in months, take me now.”

2. If you’re blocking her path to the bathroom and she says, “Pardon me.”
Take away the P, A, R, and N and you have “Do me.” It doesn’t get much clearer than that. She wants you to join her in stall #3.

3. If she slaps you.
You know what they say: any physical contact is good contact. Be sure to establish a “safe word” beforehand. I recommend “help!”

4. If she insists the bouncers escort you out of the bar.
She wants to get you away from her friends and have you all to herself.

5. If she’s eating pretzels.
Wants you to wrap her legs up in knots. Duh.

6. If the email she gives you ends with @prodigy.net.
She wants your junk, not your junk mail. No post-coital conversation required.

7. If she refuses your offer to buy her a drink.
She wants you to buy her dinner instead “ in which case, bail. That’s way too much effort when there’s probably a girl nearby eating pretzels.

8. If she doesn’t answer your phone calls.
She’s letting your calls go to voicemail so she can listen to your voice over and over and over again. She horny!

9. If she’s buttoning up her jacket and turning her body away from you.
She’s teasing you by covering up her heaving bosom.

10. If she pulls you aside and says, “Seriously. You need to stop stalking me. You’ve been creeping me out all night. I’m about to call the cops.”
Wink! It doesn’t get much “harder to get” than that.

The awesomest things

When I get sad I stop being sad and be awesome instead.  True story.  But how do I do it?  Simple.  I sing the following song to remind myself of how many awesome things there really are out there.

Girls in wet t-shirts and chimps in tuxedos,
Monster truck pile-ups and Hans who shoot Greedos.
Wild chicks that beg to be tied up with strings,
These are a few of the awesomest things!

U.S. Armed Forces and dudes kicked in gonads
Box suites for football and chicks’ absent dads.
Single malt scotches that someone else brings,
These are a few of the awesomest things!

Skateboarder wipe-outs and first person shooters,
Reruns of “Air Wolf” and hiring for Hooters.
Hot girls that gyrate and wear down bedsprings,
These are a few of the awesomest things!

When the check comes!
When the girl clings!
When she’s fully clad…

I simply remember the awesomest things,
And then I don’t feel so bad!

Oh Canada!

I am not Canadian. How do I know this? Because I’m not terrible. Here are just a few of the infinite number of reasons why America is better than Canada…

	Cana-duh                       U.S.A!
Population	34.6 million	312 million (over 10x bigger!)
Official Language	French and English	American
Government	Federal parliamentary democracy and constitutional monarchy	Not sure, but it’s gotta be better than Canada’s!
Flag	Three stripes and a maple leaf	Thirteen stripes and fifteen stars. Note to Canada: To clarifiy that’s fifty massive, luminous balls of plasma, that through the monoculear fusion create the energy that powers the entire universe. But definitely stick with the leaf. That’ll get you laid.
Currency	The loonie	Not the loonie
Favorite sport	Hockey	Every other sport ever
National anthem	"O Canada"	"The Star Spangeled Banner" Note to Canada: The title of you anthem is hilariously appropriate.
Landmarks	Niagara Falls	Niagara Falls AND the Playboy Mansion
General Demeanor	Polite	Aggressive, nasty, bitter, resentful… In short, kick-ass
Law enforcement	Mountie	John McClane
Gun policy	Individuals who wish to possess firearms must have a valid possession license and must complete the Canadian Firearms Safety Course, weas well as passing a background check and waiting the mandatory 28 day waiting period	fire away
Healthcare system	Universal and free	Poor people die
Famous musicians	Celine Dion, Rush, Bare Naked Ladies, Bryan Adams, Paul Anka, Alanis Morissette, Gordon Lightfoot, Nickleback	Jon Bon Jovi
Best place to eat	Tim Horton’s	Hooters
Chicks	Pam Anderson	Really? Pam Anderson? First of all, she’s super old. Second of all, when she wasn’t old, do you know where she went? I’ll give you a hint: It’s direcly south of you and has hotter chicks

GNB is now hiring! Apply today

Random awesome photo by Jessie Mok

....true story

I will not call you back
Dear women of planet earth,
I will not call you back.

I am a Barnibus Stinson.
My toilet seats do not go down
I have just one coffee mug in my kitchen
All this so that you may know, I will not call you back

When the night is old, do not cuddle me
Leave me alone and let me be
But most importantly you should know
I will not call you back

I will not text you again
It's all part of my game
But sooner or later you'll realize
I will not call you back

I had fun last night, I must say
But tomorrow will be a new a day
It was nice knowing you but you must know
I will not call you back

Did you say something?

Iphone or Blackberry

Someone had the ordacity to ask me this most ridiculous question. Iphone or Blackberry. Answer is simple, I use an Iphone. You know why? Because I am awesome. You know that recent studies show that 80% of people who buy an Iphone will get laid within minutes of switching on their Iphone...true story. Iphones are awesome. I like my Iphone. So in conclusion don't buy a blackberry, unless you're lame or a virgin or a "not awesome" or a dork...

Justin Bieber at the Mayweather Fight???

**Head explodes** Justin Bieber was at the Mayweather fight? Seriously? That can't possibly be legal. In case you don't know who Bieber is (which you probably don't because you're awesome). He's pretty much the most famous lesbian looking dude. He's 15, no wait 17..who cares

Barney for President?

I do not like you

I do not like you. I do not hate you but I most certainly do not like you. I do not care how your weekend was. I do not care that you just had a colonoscopy...thats gross. I do not want you to buy me a drink..unless you are a hot blonde with daddy issues. I am not your friend, and as mentioned earlier; I am not your therapist. I do not want to hear your problems, because I do not have any solutions to them and more importantly because I do not like you. I do not want to help your grandma cross street, I do not want to watch your dog. Because I do not like you. Do not say hi to me as you cross the street, I will not say hi because I do not like you.

Worst Date Movies Ever
So I've made a list of the worst hook up movies ever. These are basically you absolutely, positively, possimplebly do not wanna take a chick to. Check it!

1. Twilight

Really though twilight? Where do I even start. Vampires that glow in the sun, really? When I grew up, vampires were bloodsucking creatures, that turned into bats and gave you nightmares. Today, they're not any scarier than the backup cast of glee. Not to mention that Taylor Laurtner kid makes us look bad.

Will keep you posted on the list...

I AM NOT YOUR THERAPIST

I am not your therapist. I am not your psychologist. I am not your friend. So I open my mailbox today and what do I see; a letter from a guy who needs advice proposing to his girlfriend. Really? That's like asking a billionaire for a bus ticket. Like asking a basketball player for soccer advice. Seriously? A proposal? Cmon man! So let this be a warning to everyone else. The purpose of this blog is to "teach you how to live" not to "teach you how to get whipped"...smh. I have better things to do.

Challenge Update

So it turns out banging a cheerleader on each NBA team may be harder than I thought. Every team is in a different city and let's face it; "Barney doesn't chase the booty, the  booty chases Barney"..WUTTUP! But Anyways, I've come up with a new challenge; banging a cheerleader on each New York sports teams. So far I've got a Jet Cheeleader, and a New York Knicks cheerleader. Still have the Giants to go. Will keep you posted.

NBA Playoffs

Now a lot you don't know this but I am a HUGE basketball fan. Hot cheerleaders in skimpy outfits. What's not to love? So I was talking to Ted the other day and I was telling him about how easy it would be to bang at least one cheerleader from each of the 30 NBA teams. And he started talking about how it was "geographically impossible", that Ted guy can be a real "Ball-Hog" sometimes...see what I did there..haha. Anyways my response was simple...CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! I'll keep you guys posted

 Pros and Cons of A Stripper Girlfriend
As you probably already know, I Barney Stinson, is currently dating  stripper..WUTTUP. Well as awesome as that sounds, there are some cons to dating a stripper.

Pros:
1) Free lap dances...who can say no to that
2)You can never run out of one dollar bills.
3)You're dating a stripper
4)You're dating a stripper!

Cons:
1)Meeting her clients on the street..awkward!
2)You have a girlfriend..

So guys lemme know what you think